HOMESICK

im in vancouver right now and i miss home. when does this ever happen when i finally get the break i need and i want to return. i must be crazed but its true. im sick and tired of this trip and its only been three days. my parents try so hard to initiate family time but it hardly exists anymore since our family has grown so disjointed. csi marathons in a penthouse 21st floor financial district vancouver. pretty nice i guess but im so tired and i just want to stay at home sometimes doing nothing. i feel so restless i could totally use that word we learned in lith what was it again something infatigable? iono but that class is major asskicking. EAST OF EDEN is actually good but its so dramatic. so vengeful and kind of good. revenge is good but payback feels so nice. but leaves you bitter at the same time. how has this trip been? im thinking of when my seven days are over. so far, we have avoided all attempts to snowboard since my smart sister managed to overpack from burberry rainboots which i hardly doubt she needs and her coach purse, still ables to forget to bring the ever essential ski gloves. so basically if shes not going to board, i hella am not going to board by myself. and we just keep on eating and eating. i went to the gym today. first time lifting weights. isnt that funny. i never lifted weights in my life and it was kinda fun. i watched some really skinny girl panting a lot. it was funny. new years eve. i just forgot new years resolution time
what do i wish to improve in the following year?
i think maybe to learn to move on. to forget about the past and focus on the future. mend my broken relationships and leave nobody with hurt feelings. do something that im passionate about, not what i should be doing. maybe think about going back to church. its not all that bad right? stop making excuses as well try harder in school stay focused. not so easily distracted or tempted.
i broke my phone. my phone means a lot to me. thats not good tho. i rely too heavily on sucha materialistic device. isnt it like that quote we dont ride the railroad, the railroad rides us or something. similarly, i use my phone for so many diff functions. and stupidly i broke it when i knew it would be broken if i did it. but still i wanted to test my options. smart bertrand. anyways im up here with no music except my crappy shuffle which repeats the same 100 songs over and over again. music : life. im bored
my family is boring
life is boring
i have so many things to do
liek DIVE INTO A GREAT READ such as EAST OF EDEN
amen

UNTIL A BRIGHTER DAY

Where are you going, where do you go
Are you looking for answers, to questions under the stars
If along the way you are growing weary
You can rest with me until a brighter day
You're okay
- Dave Matthews Band

im too tired to blog. yknow what, thongs are thongs. society is a society. but intent is not always in the right place. ill write more later after finals. THNX FOR TALKING FOR LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALF on something SO POINTLESS as to THONGS.

STICKS AND STONES

"Growing up is never straightforward.
There are moments when everything is fine,
& other moments, when you're a teenager
& you realize that there are certain memories
that you'll never get back.
& certain people that are going to change
& the hardest part is realizing that
theres nothing you can do except watch them,
& realize that everything is going to change."

why must i try stopping time, try stopping how i feel because no matter what, im going to be like this. im going to make this short because no matter how many fillers i use, the meaning will still be the same. sometimes in a problem, the situation caused was started within, not because of someone else. dont blame others but yourself the most. learn to be more open, to be more willing. i think im wiser, not smarter, but wiser. i learn to regard my trust. to keep it close to me and not to hand out as a flier. its something that leaves me vulnerable and i can only do that with those i trust. and once trust is lost, its hard to ever regain it. but there is always hope. for without hope, life would be serious hell. if its me against the world, i guess thats how life is suppose to be. if no one can see my points, at least i know i can stand up for my beliefs even when others see im wrong. because no matter what, i know whats right inside. and acknowledging that i make so many mistakes is the only thing i can do and the best thing i can do. because i know im vulnerable, i know im weak, but at this stage, im trying to grow stronger. so leave me be. what would jesus do. im glad someone reminded me because no matter how many times we turn away from him, disappoint him, hurt him, he will still accept us for the deeds we wronged him. but im not jesus and i will never be. but i will need to change. i have to, i need to , i want to have a relationship with god. i want to go back to church but i wont if its for the wrong reasons. so ill wait, i have to wait for something to motivate me. i feel like the wind. i change so easily. but unlike the wind, im firm on where i stand, and being firm can also translate to being stubborn, and for that, like the wind, i wish i was more open.

CATCH ME WHEN I FALL

school scares me. im scared for finals. especially this years finals. make it or break it yknow. but the worst thing is that i know i dont have a chance of changing some of my grades but i still believe that i have hope. like my lit essay right. its all about change, how the society was so corrupt and needed to be torned down and rebuilt. i want to start over. but its not the right time. nothing is driving me to start anew. i want to so bad, want to redo everything, everything i messed up with but i cant change the past so i have to change the future. im waiting for my new years resolutions. im waiting for winter break. i plan on doing drivers ed in one day. i want my permit badly. i feel so uncomparable since i dont even have my permit. i know that i wont have time over summer. man ill be gone from july 14th to august 17th. my whole summer will go to waste. not completely since i get to go to olympics right? but no matter how fun that sounds, its being away home for more than a month and trust me, i get freakin home sick. even if ppl there are your friends, they arent that close and you will always feel a distance from your surroundings. i was watching tv yesterday and what the mother tells the daughter was really provoking but true. she told her daughter that as you grow older, the decisions you make shape the person you become. honestly, i feel bad for what i did. i mean my teacher was not smart in telling the class that she got the essay prompt online since the internet is open access to the world but i still feel likeit wasnt deserving for others since they werent that privileged in some sense. i mean the playing field wasnt balanced, we had a sort of unfair advantage and im not blaming myself for getting it because if others wanted to know what the prompt was badly, they would have searched harder to find it. but the thing is they didnt and when i entered to write gruesomely for the 50 minutes, i kept on thinking to myself whether what i did was right. whether it was a form of cheating. i mean i was just using my resources right?

its stupid because i mean sometimes we dont really care if we cheat anymore. the grade is more important to us than our integrity. we have no dignity for how shameful we look and its because we are so clever in to not getting caught. and sitting here, i still feel like a hypocrite because no matter what, if a person comes to me and tells me that they have the prompt, or the answers to a test, i would ask for them to give it to me. because i honestly think i go to school to get a grade, not to learn. seriously do i remember all the math i learned or the civil war after this year? i hope not as well because thats not useful. sometimes i get sad when i compare myself to ppl because im not that book nerdy but then when i think about it, i thank God for giving something so much more useful in the future. being streets smart pays off. some ppl are so good at studying and get such good grades but outside of school, they are dumb as a rock. its because they cant think without a textbook guiding them. they arent smart enough to maneuver around situations to benefit them. its okay. i think im having a good day. ill think ill find the right path

PART2: if you want to judge me, its all right. you can label anyone anything, but at the end of the day, its what the person sees in themselves. i dont see myself as a cheater because i didnt do anything wrong. if it was so unfair, why did you not take the opportunity before to look it up yourself. online, and you doesnt mean you, its means everyone that is mad at the situation. the thing is you can unleash your frustration and blame it on me but the thing is, the internet is not closed to any specific person. for the teacher to say that she got it from online, its basically a ticket to searching it yourself. opportunities will come to you. its whether you take the chance or not. and by chance, did we know exactly that this prompt was correct. its everything the internet says truthful? if so then, go use wikipedia for resources. and all this complaining only leads to what, you cant change the past. complain to me forever but the task has changed. and if you want to say i lack in integrity, its for you to say but integrity is personal. opinions count but yours outrules anyone elses. if a person tells you that the gas station on the corner of that street is cheap, and you dont go there to pump gas, whose fault is it at the end of the day. if you want to blame someone, look at yourself first. if a person doesnt take the opportunity, its not another persons fault. there is an open path that you can see the exit, but if you stray away from it, you cant blame others for taking the path themselves.

FEELING THIS

am i bad person for beleiving the way i do. if i am, then i must be even worse if i can't even notice that im bad. who is the final verdict for my decisions. do i let ppl tell me what is right or wrong or do i stand by my claims. is there ever a right or a wrong side to a situation. is there even sides to a situation that really isn't a situation. i hate picking sides, but im not sure i can say that for everyone. and when ppl dont choose your "side" doesn't it hurt even more? just like the last kid standing when choosing teams. thats how i feel. schoolyard picks have not left us since elementary school. all that has happened is that it evolved, a more hidden form that is less obvious but strikes even harder. and sometimes, you just got to let all this crap pass you. why should i be so sensitive from everything that bothers me. it seems that everyone can hide their feelings so well. that they cover every flaw and seem composed. is it bad to be yourself than be fake. im not sure i know anymore. if you are fake, you can never get that hurt since no one really knows the real you. so even if you feel stabbed, the wound doesnt bleed that deep, its only a scratch from the thick skin that has grew. but, this barrier seems to be falling apart. this fortress seems to lose its ground and slowly crumble past my eyes. wearing a smile is not fun.. i know, but smiling, uses less muscle than frowning. why frown on the world, for ppl to see if thats only how you feel. why bring the world down with you when its your problem. is this problem similar to school tho. do we care what other ppl feel? how other ppl will react or how they will judge based on your scores, your academic achievements? no one cares about how others when it comes down to it. its every man for themselves and the surivival of the fittest serves its point. why not make it easier to come out on top by disabling your adversaries. by limiting their abilities, doesnt that just make you closer to beating them?

i lack the ability to forget. as much as i want to let things slide, they never do. its easy when its just bailey or me, but not for life. i just want to let it pass, forget about what bothers me. but i dont. i let it rot in my head until i cant think of it any longer, and by then, its too late. cuz i feel like shit. things dont ever go my way. but why cant they just seem perfect once in a while. im the worlds greatest pretender. i can go for a whole day and on the outside look happy but i dont even know anymore how i feel. its so numb i just go with the flow. if ppl are happy, ill show what they want me to show. its not that hard. sometimes, its good to be so leniant, it makes you more approachable, more liked. this semester is ending soon, and my hopes are running dry. i can try, but there is no source to fill my emptiness. secrets keep you sick. my secrets are the only thing that keeps me going. they arent secrets. they are more like things i rather not share. im thirsty and the fountain is in front of me. but im not willing. im not deserving and dehydration wont kill me. at least not for now

i feel invisible. save me

NEVER KNEW

christmas is approaching. i should be happy. i should be eager to the break approaching. but somethings standing in the way. and i guess i would usually say its finals but i dont really care about finals anymore. i mean they have controlled my life so much for the last two years. i know i shouldnt be losing grip now since this year is so dire but really, my grades have no chance basically. what stands in the way of me and christmas is surviving these two weeks. i used to think i was a pretty sociable people person. GUESS NOT anymore. hella effed that up. but its not my fault. ill blame everything on society since it seems to take blame so well. basically, whether i like to believe it or not, i learn stuff from my crap class lit. i mean its tough when we are graded on opinionated styles and how much we participate but i like the class because i can say whore in class and i wouldnt get in trouble. haha jaykay but seriously, i used to be so ignorant or chose to but lit kind of shows how to see everything in a different perspective. like today, we watched the crucible, and suprisingly, i really enjoyed the film. even tho the ending was lame, the plot was really good. i mean everyone thought this girl was a bitch and im not saying she wasnt, but she was almost the heroine of the movie. she basically had the people of the town around her fingers. she controlled everything and for a girl that young to hold so much power is respectable. man i sound like im writing a dear ms mcmillion letter. im jealous of the ppl who had conferences with her and were able to ask questions at all. i wonder why when it was my turn, i had nothing to present to her, nothing. am i really that accepting of my letter grade. do i sound hypocritical when i say i dont care about my finals but i do care about my grades? im not happy with it but i can't be there to complain about it. i mean will the grade change from the past? a definite no. but i still wish i was more involved, more concerned. i feel a lack of concern for everything, like im hawaii and everyone else is united states. this would be a perfect time to tie into apush but im going to pass on mentioning about my fave class.

twenty one days. twenty one days till xmas. what would i like to see under my invisible tree? hmmmm time, tiempo. basically, i want things that can't be bought. how do we spend our twenty four hours a day. im pretty wasteful with mine or else i would not be writing in this. but during break, i want it to feel like summer. the first part of summer where it was actually enjoyable where there was no such thing as a curfew. there was but who cared about that. holy crap, this song just went screamo on me. HAHAHA the beginning sounded hella normal. wtf this is what you get for downloading off limewire. oh yeah, basically, for my pretend xmas wish list, i want to feel involved. i want to have a meaning. i dont know why im living. it seems so pointless to waste it all on grades and SATs. my mom says this one year will determine your four years in the future. so true but cant i at least enjoy my life? life is too short to be sad. but sometimes you cant help being sad. and when this pain doesnt go away, do you pretend like nothings wrong? keep moving through with time until it becomes too late and the time bomb explodes. school sucks so bad. i can see why i had so many more friends last year. because i was blind as hell. half of them are so shallow, so fake. like what do they care? so they can compare themselves with me? well i guess i serve a good purpose cuz no matter what, i always end up short. thats my role in life. to serve as an encourager. To show ppl what not to get on tests, and how not to screw up their life. sometimes, i blame it on my parents pressure. they always seem to want to take the short cut.. for instance, i wasted my freshmen to sophomore summer taking a stupid fcking class at some private school. i basically had four hours of one on one with this recently widower who took the whole side of a table where the food he ate basically missed and slipped down his soft plushy snowsloped figure. wow great image. he made it so that the table we sat on formed a perfect see saw, that always was stuck on one end. basically, after six weeks of pure bliss, i go to safari and i realized taht it wasnt legalized, that the credits didnt transfer. and when i realized i had wasted my whole summer taking a pointless class, i yelled at my parents so much, i was in a position to where they had no authority for they had messed me up. but so what, the more i yelled, the more i told them how great of parents they were, did the problem change? no but from now on, i realized the blame shouldnt have been on them, it should have been on me. if i cared so much, if i was so concerned i would have double checked to see if this fraud of a class was going to end up on my transcript. amen. so this year, i hope that time will appear miraculously, that each day of break, each twenty four hours would seem endless. and on the last day, i will be there, playing secondhand serenade's its not over because its not over. it will never be over. the break will be over. but my problems wont. its like an endless struggle taht i hope one day i will come out victoriously. materialisticly, i would like headphones since i have great memory to where i placed mine. i would like apparel from a cause, from one.com from gap product(red), from aldo.com. if we are to get clothes, why not wear those with good meaning, those that help. who am i to complain after looking at how fortunate i already am. at least im healthy right. at least i have friends that i can trust to be there thru both good and bad. wow im so hallmark right now. disgusts me too. peace

THE CLASSIC CRIME

i better not make this a daily ritual haha. im so glad that no one really knows about blogspot or that it isnt that popular to the point where adults that should not even have facebooks be there to judge or to impose their discontentment. who really cares. stfu does mean shut the fuck up and maybe it is. i know its not good to swear but all these curse words are really words that ppl think are bad. its what ppl think right. i mean sometimes i feel like shit and i do feel like shit. i can replace shit with something else but in the end i still feel the same. i cant picture why as for today it was all right for someone to be up there condoning our actions when its really how we feel. we cant feel the same at church because of ppl like them. if we had our rights, we might as well tell them to stfu as well. why must my church continue to believe that by posting so many limitations that in the end it will make the new generation move to the right direction. if one were to be so enforcing, wouldn't we just want to rebel even more. and as for all these abbreviations, we arent ignorant, we arent dumb. we know that they mean what they mean. yes wtf is what the fuck. i know and its a good point that because society uses it so much, so have we but who are ppl to judge when because society thinks facebooks are in, they get them too. so jumping on the bandwagon should not lead to hypocrisy.

you go to church so that you can communicate with ppl that truly understand you but how can you open up when the first things they realize are your flaws, to judge you for what you done instead of acknowledge the facts and go past that. i can name so many flaws in the youth fellowship but what will my voice count. if they think that their sytem is improving, who am i to disagree and tell them that it sucks, that its so generic. if i do tell them, wouldnt i just be doing the same as the ppl who were there to judge me. im so glad i deactivated my facebook so i dont have to worry about some anal prudes who think they are better than us reading, watching my every move. no one likes to be stalked. everyone just wants some room. my mom asked me the other day why i dont hang out with the same ppl. why i dont talk about them anymore. she wonders where their gone. and when i tell her that ppl change, she thinks the problem is me. i would like to disagree but i do admit that i have changed, not for the better but for the fact that sometimes you need to speak your mind. sometimes when things dont please you, dont let it phase. so you know what, i told her that im okay with having less friends. its all the better. with less friends, i dont have to worry about the amount of time i spend with each one, that im being unfair or that more ppl will talk about me. the good thing about being alone is that you arent noticed so there will be no need to talk about you. its said that you arent anybody until youre talked about but does that mean being talked about is positive.

music:life. this morning as i had to wake up for my almost seemingly ritual of going to church at the crack of dawn, i turn on the tv while eating breakfast and its the vh1 top 20 countdown and i know how old the song is but how far we've come by matchbox 20's lyrics really seemed to hit me in a way never before. honestly, everyone usually likes a song because of the melody or the tune but the words were so understanding. like it was what i felt in some way.

I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,

The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour and I
and started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

chorus:
But I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
then I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street, took a look at myself
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
say all goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come (right now)
let's see how far we've come

Its gone gone baby its all gone
there is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you
well its gone gone baby its all gone
there's no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you

it doesnt hurt that the music video is creative as well.
CAN I JUST NOT GO TO CHURCH . i hate it there

NEW CHAPTER

this is all new to me. but i do miss the days when everyone would xanga. when everyone would write posts instead of just commenting on each other's walls through myspace and facebook. but maybe one day, just as xanga has loss its crowd, so will myspace and facebook and blogspot will fill in the missing pieces. so what is with our society. why must our lives be governed by what the world dawns as interesting. why cant we choose to follow our own train of thoughts and see past the crowd. and yet, im not better to be so disdainful to society for i am part of the whole. everyone knows that it isnt about comparing, its about personal improvements but when my whole life revolves around SAT scores and such, how can i ignore everything. how am i compatible with the rest of my friends. and it does hurt when you realize how much worse you measure up. that you DONT measure up. ive been sad lately but i know that being sad wont change whats happening. i know i should try harder and that even when things dont work out right now, its only for right now. the only thing i can do is hope, and hope is what i have to rely on. i worry a lot for this year. i worry what my future brings me. but how can i be thinking of the future when i cant deal with the problems right in front of me. this year has been hard. it didnt start out well, partly cuz i didnt start my jr year completely free of my summer blues. that because i would not deal with the conflicts it overlapped into my school year. and i feel taht partially this year, i am a bit of an isolation. whether i choose to isolate myself from others or others to me, its all the same. it doesnt help either that im so distant from God as well. what is the pt of church when you cant even fellowship, cant be comfortable with the congregation, that you notice the flaw, the fault in the church structure. acceptance is key but it has to start with me accepting others. by saying that other ppl are fatter than me, by calling them sluts and fags wont change the fact that im less of a fag or a slut, which im not hopefully. but it just shows that by looking down at ppl doesnt make me look any better. i do hope that out of this year, im more decisive and to be strong in something. im mentally disabled as of this year but this disability has found its cure. sooner or later, this problem will find its solution, its remedy. and this remedy will hopefully bring to new changes.