NEW CHAPTER

this is all new to me. but i do miss the days when everyone would xanga. when everyone would write posts instead of just commenting on each other's walls through myspace and facebook. but maybe one day, just as xanga has loss its crowd, so will myspace and facebook and blogspot will fill in the missing pieces. so what is with our society. why must our lives be governed by what the world dawns as interesting. why cant we choose to follow our own train of thoughts and see past the crowd. and yet, im not better to be so disdainful to society for i am part of the whole. everyone knows that it isnt about comparing, its about personal improvements but when my whole life revolves around SAT scores and such, how can i ignore everything. how am i compatible with the rest of my friends. and it does hurt when you realize how much worse you measure up. that you DONT measure up. ive been sad lately but i know that being sad wont change whats happening. i know i should try harder and that even when things dont work out right now, its only for right now. the only thing i can do is hope, and hope is what i have to rely on. i worry a lot for this year. i worry what my future brings me. but how can i be thinking of the future when i cant deal with the problems right in front of me. this year has been hard. it didnt start out well, partly cuz i didnt start my jr year completely free of my summer blues. that because i would not deal with the conflicts it overlapped into my school year. and i feel taht partially this year, i am a bit of an isolation. whether i choose to isolate myself from others or others to me, its all the same. it doesnt help either that im so distant from God as well. what is the pt of church when you cant even fellowship, cant be comfortable with the congregation, that you notice the flaw, the fault in the church structure. acceptance is key but it has to start with me accepting others. by saying that other ppl are fatter than me, by calling them sluts and fags wont change the fact that im less of a fag or a slut, which im not hopefully. but it just shows that by looking down at ppl doesnt make me look any better. i do hope that out of this year, im more decisive and to be strong in something. im mentally disabled as of this year but this disability has found its cure. sooner or later, this problem will find its solution, its remedy. and this remedy will hopefully bring to new changes.