RESUMMATION

RANT:
The first week at a community college overcrowded with foreign international students who cram all possible course selection mixed in with my newly acquired job comes out to be the perfect ingredients to a recipe of disaster. Not only did I find myself frantically speeding down 280 back and forth btwn Foothill and DeAnza in any means of attaining a class with a sympathetic-enough professor who would grant me the add code, but showing up at work to face Shefaali, my middle-aged Indian manager who could only be summed up as one of the most sordid, money-swindling people you will meet. Though this might be somewhat of a fabrication, my detest of her could possibly stem from having to hear her utter any order or direction in her heavy accent equivalent to sitting through a Bollywood film festival or Slumdog Millionaire on repeat.

OBSERVE&REPORT:
The lady who gave me my flu shot was named Vera FAGOT
The skater sitting to my right in Calc released a strong weed stench
Apparently, De Anza and Foothill maybe sister colleges
but do not share the same placement tests
The effects of global warming has resulted in Cupertino overheating
I watched Jennifer's Body and tried noticing Megan Fox's thumb

TVWATCHLIST:
GG (yes, it's decently amusing and I can relate to Blair)
90210 (tho Annie's makeup artist must be out sick with the swine flu or something)
Glee (hopefully, their musical numbers will be of better song choices)
ANTM (team korean beauty suffering tosis in her left eye)
The Office (can anyone say it's not written well?)
Modern Family (i laugh a lot)
Desperate Housewives (Mike picks Susan, it's a guarantee)
Survivor (he got the hidden immunity idol already...)
Amazing Race (always a winner)
Community (just cuz i love anything with ken jeong)

REMORSE

Lately, I feel really bitter. I think I grasp reality too well and I get ticked off when others around me seem so optimistic and airy. Today I was really bored. I want something new in my life. Yesterday, the speaker at my church's youth group mentioned on how negative change was. I believe otherwise. Why don't I trust my own abilities and just learn to think independently without others' feedback? I mean, I myself give plenty of opinions yet I live on assurance from my peers. It's not ideal. Snow retreat is coming up. I'm almost scared to see the day coming. Not entirely in a bad sense but just that certain scenarios will happen that I won't be too keen of. If you have not noticed, I like things going my way and if they don't go as planned, I get pretty pissed off. So conclusively, I think I'm telling myself I need to learn to be alone. Or just try finding a new venue to feed my angst, also known as a job.

REMARK

Two days ago, I typed in my name into Google and one of the results was my very outdated Myspace account which I haven't accessed since sophomore year. It was quite amusing looking at my pictures and at who graced my top 8. What happened to Myspace? Regardless, I took the liberty of deactivating my account to eliminate all traces of my embarrassment.

REGRET

It's alright. You don't even have to bother reminding me. Somedays are better than others. Somedays, I receive the attention and concern. But most of the time, it's out of last resort or safety. Whatever may come my way, I shall take it for what it is and nothing more. It frustrates me how I continue trying in vain, hoping one day it all pays back. I'm still waiting for that day to come then. Today, I took my Christmas tree down. My house hosted it for a little over a month. At first, walking past my living room, the brightly lit ornament captured my sight each time. As each day past, the setting became evermore common and I slowly paid less attention to the tree and decor. On Christmas Day, I paid tribute to it. I sat and played some festive Christmas songs as well. But that was it. Nothing more. Today, we took it down. Before we bought it, I suggested my family purchase a fake one so it was more portable and reusable. Against my wishes, my parentals went out and bought a real one. Relocating the tree, a huge mirky water stain left its mark on our white carpet. Forever a memory, moreso a reminder. Therefore, I stated to my mother that if she were to have taken my advise and bought a pseudo replica from Sear's or something, that stain would not be apparent. Instead of each year getting replaced, we would opt for a more sturdy reliable one that never loses its shape or form. I think my mom was unmoved.

RECOLLECTION

today is wednesday, january 7th, 2008.
im pretty sure one knows that already.
today was pretty ordinary, but filled with some peculiar events.
i went to school, typical.
at school, i was trailed constantly throughout the day by this orange ski jacket wearing asian boy who could barely utter an ounce of proper english and does not believe in the utility of a razor.
furthermore, he persistently believes him and me are friends and does not appear the bit bothered by my seemingly apparent neglectance of his existence. this would register as peculiar.
in physio, we practiced CPR. it was awkward to say the least. i guess im not used to people, even regular friends to place their hands on my waist and push me. not sure where to classify this one under. strange.
afterschool, i went and got a haircut. i wasn't sure how i preferred my hair but i was certain i was not a fan of the heaviness and the thickness of it. therefore, i asked my barber who, fyi, does not understand english and only operates with mandarin, posingquite a challenge. i told him initially to cut it inch by inch so i could oversee the procedure. however, the first cut set the tone for the rest of the trimming as my hair progressively got shorter and shorter, chunk by chunk.in the end, i came out of it looking like a fobby little kid with a tuft of hair irregularly blocking my right eye's vision. unique
i also turned in my panera application to the manager who gave me a stink eye and the elevator glance. that was a good sign. surprising
i come home and take a long shower. i had lots to think about. common
i sit down for dinner. my mom passes angry stares towards my ambivalent dad who just looks down at his salad. afterward, my mom calls a family meeting. i sit and listen to them "talk" back and forth for two hours. ordinary
my sister invites her boyfriend to our house, yet again. ordinary.
cept this time she makes a phone call to her friend and places herself on our kitchen counter, chatting away for a good half an hour or so as her boyfriend flips thru the channels. i guess he was so bored that he came by to tell me the pear my mom had sliced for me was ready.
i get a fb message from this girl who i dont really communicate with. she has been in my 9th grade spanish class and this year's photo class. she adds me to one of her fb notes about leaving an impact on her life. i was quite unaware of this. i dont know her well. i dont talk to her much. yet she thinks i left a mark in her life? i dont know what to think. i guess i should feel honored.
i found some toesocks in my drawers. they are pretty heretical. im at home. i should be comfortable.
i have christmas presents yet to buy, wrap, and deliver.
i would call this belated.
tomorrow is thursday, january 8th.
its eventful. i know it. even if it tries to not be, i really hope it is.

OVER AND OVER AGAIN

Let's face it. No one enjoys failure. If we had the choice, the obviously pick would to not to fail. No brainer. But knowing that situations either go well or they result in the opposite, why are we wired to handle failing so poorly? As intellectual individuals, top of the world, shouldn't we know there holds a 50/50 chance that the outcome won't be positive? And yet, once it strikes, it hits us hard. Time and time again, I tell myself that it's perfectly normal to not always succeed. Its not like my history has been spotlessly slated, polished and refined with no black marks. Yes, many instances prior, I have failed. Yet, each time an event does not go towards my favor, I hold it against myself. Funny thing is, when college results come out, I wonder how I will respond.

NEVER A QUITTER

its december already. how fast one year flies by. today's britney spears' twenty-seventh birthday. she is the perfect epitome of the comeback. with her life heavily scrutinized by the public media, watching her rise to stardom in the late 90s to her breakdown spiral into chaos, she has finally emerged back on top. hopefully, this year, the eagles wont steal her title of number one album. as much as people hate to admit, she's back. she's better than ever, and she's here to stay.

this song's not on the album but i particularly like it. listen to the lyrics. they mean something. it never struck me how much my life will change after this year. everything from my environment, my friends, and most importantly, myself. need i forget, its december. bring on the cold.

UP UP AND AWAY

this week
i lost my stats book
i lost my roll of film
i lost my composure
i lost my friend's trust
i lost my friend

TURNING LEAVES

Looking back at my prior posts, I noticed how I used to apply ample time modifying and tweaking my post with snazzy artistic photos and clever titles to add an aesthetic feel to my entry. I also have reached a realization to how poor my grammar was and the lack of punctuation in my sentences. Maybe, I was heading for a sort of informal, colloquial feel to my writing but that would just come off as a pathetic excuse.

So, going with the seasons, Fall happens to be the time of change, when we wave goodbye to summer breeze, the warmth and ability to walk outside with a simple t-shirt and shorts, docked with some flip-flops. See an end to the surmounting heat from the UV rays that burn our skin cells and the cool machine-generated winds of the AC slipping through our vents. And as soon as we say our goodbyes, we are welcomed with the shift in climate as no longer are we able to enjoy the liberties of one layers and the lack of daylight thanks to our dear Ben Franklin and his more than applicable day-light saving. The leaves lose their healthy green in exchange for a crisp new red coat and the significant change in the return of prime-time television! As for me, I think looking into the future might just be a change that would fit this period. And in similarities, I do refer to how in both cases, neither seems to have a bright end until spring returns.

At times, I question my abilities and talents, the accomplishments I achieved in my seventeen years existing. My lack of security explains the hardships in completing a brag sheet, or a resume where I completely lack in pride or ability to boast righteously about myself. Instead, to avoid such deeds, I indulge myself with the usual YouTube searches, browsing of new music, tuning into the latest programs, and the latest dirt in pop culture; basically equating to a lifestyle of a vegetable.

Today, I snapped my first roll of film independently, all 24 pictures, disregarding one which I allowed my friend to take. It was quite satisfactory pretending to be all artsy fartsy during the time I strapped the SLR to my neck. From pictures of stairs to telephone wires, I was quite amazed at how indulging it was to see through the lens of a camera. I cannot say that the human eye is not already a phenomenal aspect but man, just looking through those fine lens is a quite a sight. At times, i felt foolish for squatting over like an old asian fob, trying to work the camera and other times, taking forever to adjust the f-stop and aperture to create the perfect shot.

But at last, none of these things seem to impact my life more than Blockles. It is my current joy and passion and as I am typing away, I am in the midst of a game of intense tetris where sabotage is not chastised and where conniving tactics results to victory. I only have the ability to write here due to my third place landing. Playing against siblings is probably never a smart thing to do.

AFTER THE RAIN

you know that feeling, when you have that lump in your throat, that pain in your stomach, and you want to let it out, but you dont know how to? and the only deed you can take is to let it release from your eyes, trying in vain to remove the thoughts and images responsible for your current status. and after youre done, nothing has changed, the problem is still unresolved, the anger is still in your eyes, the pain is still culminating within.

it rained last night. today, the clouds were scattered, the skies blue, the air an unprecedented clear, freshness. but that only undermines the black grey clouds that will soon appear, pouring down on the world and reestablishing the dull murky feel one attains from watching the raindrops splatter against the window. but for that brief time, when the skies are parted, when the clouds, their marshmellow fluff look, we beleive that something will be good of this day, not stopping to think to plan out the future. and before you know it, your day ends with thunder and lightning, a heavy storm blowing the trees left and right and shaking the house in all directions. its still a crappy day.

and then there's other days when you cast your eyes up above, watching the flock of geese migrate to warmer destinations. how free and uninhibited they seem, gliding in the skies that offer so many possibilities and endless unboundedness. we, as kids, always wanted the power of flight, to soar and be liberal. but thats childs thinking. we as humans, far too intelligent for our own selves always set goals that will never be accomplished, projects that will end up half finished, and ideas that lead to nowhere. we offer remedies as planes or sky scrapers to imitate the heights of flight, but in the end, its only a substitute. a cheap prototype of the real deal that can only be half assed.

but people rather see sunshine than gloomy overcasting clouds. no one likes to be showered upon by pouring rain, even under an umbrella. the cold damp feel may bring temporary satisfaction to some, splashing in the puddles and running wildly, soaking up their faces in a shortlived joy. then, they must face the outcomes of getting wet and cold, resulting in sickness, their soaked clothes hanging to dry, and the feeling of tissues against your wet nose. so in the end, rain is no good, sunshine is all we see. and that rainbow offers a promise. one that applies to each one of us, yet so easily disregarded. the sun, as we note, brings light, energy, and heat. so for all of us, lets reflect that shine, as superficial and unwanting it might be. its what the world wants to see. only what the world beleives is important.

SOMETIMES

sometimes, i want to tell you what a dumbass you really are and how ludicrous and ridiculous your reasoning comes off as. sometimes, im saving you from further embarassment by telling ppl to stfu when they talk shit that you just bring upon yourself. sometimes, i dont understand why i persist in being so good to you. sometimes, i know i have the potential to destruct your life and have everything turned against you. sometimes, i rather be elsewhere instead of sitting there quietly next to you sulk and gloom. but everytime, i don't, everytime, i just let it pass, passiveness is not weak. its smart. everytime, i keep it in, tho on the verge of exploding. everytime, you don't even realize. everytime, i try looking out for you. i just wish you would do the same.

SKIN DEEP

senior portraits are in less than a week. why am i so nervous that my pic will come out bad or the fact that i might miraculously turn good looking in time for my 4:45 on september 8th. i have religiously stuck these awful crest white strips on my teeth for 30 minute intervals every morning and night in hopes that my teeth will shine brighter than the sun on picture day. i even stare at myself in the mirror hoping that they wont instruct me on what side of my face to display cuz the flaws are evident. man , its hard being born less than perfect. i found some new songs. im pretty psyched. i like it when i have something other dont. it makes me feel superior, like superiority complex. i might have that. you know what, at my haircut place, there was this frog ornament and i was so scared. its red eyes were fixated on me and it just sent me chills. i dont get why ppl think its wierd that im really scared of frogs. like i even went to wiki and theres a PAGE on the fear of frogs. its called like ranidaphobia (ok i just checked wiki again). im a little bummed. tomorrow everyone will be going to the hillsong concert. as much as i dont want to beleive i care. i really love hillsong. they are good stuff. its okay. i need to do hw cuz labor day weekend was wasted. no it wasnt. i had fun with my friends. thats the most important thing. to have fun! im trying to squeeze as much leisure time possible before my 6-day distance btwn me and my seventeen year old self. what if when im seventeen, i become really boring and bookish and have no friends and hide behind my glasses while reading books like twilight (i dont get why ppl are overly obsessed with that book, i mean seriously, vampires are not cute, hot, romantic, or anything remotely positive). i do have a booklist tho. i want to read my sister's keeper, OMFG so i had my whole list typed out on my phone but stupid me didnt know the context of RESTORE option so i pressed it so all my stuff on my phone is gone. this sucks. i depend on my lists. i kinda have OCD. umm so i dont really remember any of the other books i had interest in.. oh the virgin suicides and middlesex, written by the same person. i want to read a thousand little pieces? i think the one that oprah found out was a hoax, a fake memoir. i like scandals. im excited, all my tv shows are coming back. no mo writers strike. im excited for 90210. did anyone else watch that show? i love the theme song. i hope this new cast is just as good as the regulars. i should really go to sleep. its 1:20 but i had to wait about 30 minutes until these strips were done. beauty comes with a price. right right? yes or else we wouldnt be interested in shows like antm and in celebs. we are shallow ppl deal with it. i currently really like the band the saturdays. they are amazing. can you guys please listen to them. they sing up! and if this is love and issues. and also lady gaga with her song paparazzi and love games besides her famed just dance. and i like battle by colbie caillat. i wish i could play guitar. someone teach me or lend me theirs. kthnx. i really gotta jet. its late. good thing i dont have first. suckerss. peaceout girlscout

HELLO, NEW LIFE

i just shamefully spent a decent hour reading thru people's blogs, xangas, etc. and i must say i almost feel compelled to fill my own blog with everything personal imaginable. i usually don't feel compelled to do anything. i don't feel compelled to do my homework even tho the deadline is sooner than i let my mind rest on and i don't feel compelled to make my mom happy by folding my clothes while spending decent amount of time zoning out to the background noise of whatever i set my channel to. but i almost feel compelled to write in my blog to say the least. i feel compelled to study for SATs so i won't screw up the rest of my highschool life. remember when jojo had that song, too little too late. i remembered i hated it. it was such a typical song that you would hear on AM 131o, thats disney channel radio btw, dont ask why i still keep it stored in my memory. but recently i keep saying that phrase, too little too late and so i went online and checked out the lyrics and tho they may be talking about a relationship standpoint, one that i have not been fortunate enough to be involved in, the meaning is still impactful. btw i use that word a lot,impactful and i dont know why.
oh yeah back to my point, i do feel that a lot of times in my life, it really is too little too late. i want to get good SAT scores, do well academically, be stronger in my walk with God, but for what? sometimes it really is for image. im not that conceited as you guys may think, but i guess everyone has to care about their appeal sometimes right? i do my fair share of looking in the mirror but not narcissistic. why do i try still to get into a college with substantial recognition? ppl dont understand how my grades dont even qualify for like deanza. jaykay i exaggerated. deanza has seriously 100% acceptance rate. i hope i didnt enlarge that fact. my computer dc's a lot
but im very thankful for wireless. thnx john. that was indeed a shoutout.
okay its time to make some ground rules of the year that is approaching.
one, be nice. simply said. or show ppl that i am actually nice, better stated
two, try in school. not try HARDER in school, just try. i dont try. i dont know why. today my mum told me that i dont try because im not motivated in life. it kinda struck me and i must say mother knows best. ill try, i promise and i am not one that likes to break oaths, especially to myself cuz that would be lame.
whats three, keep friendships. i think i lost a lot this year. its not good to use the word lot cuz lot is so ambiguous. but yeah i think its actually a good thing so scratch it from being number 3 on to do list. yknow what i will EDIT my number three rule, MAINTAIN my friendships with friends. those that matter! hey i just lost interest in blogging. iono sudden change in mind. it was fun. i will come back to this when im in china. oh how i am so stoked for this adventure of 33 days. can you read my excitement for reliving all those wondrous moments of oily food and unsanitary conditions. please remind me more. lets end happy. tomorrow is my last day in america. i hope that i will have fun.
yknow what i realized, i try so hard to come up with catchy titles for my entries but im actually not that cool. nice try

CLICHE

the stream runs dry
all is lost in hope
as vanity proves its point
footsteps in the disoriented path
without a trace to imagine
as lapse of time terminates
the beginning of the past

words without meaning reflect
in the shallow pool
colored with black and white
eliminate the pierce
the jab at silence that disturbs
the sole reasoning of life
when first come first serve
ultimately results

cookie cutter picture perfect
mold and lit on fire
united yet detached
believe in false pretenses
the constant struggle
unapproached as frustration
seeps in conquering all
press repeat please

SUGAR COATED

The fear of pain has driven today's society to extreme measures, from the sudden increase of pregnant women ultimately deciding to go thru C-section rather than the natural method, pills with a gilded sweet layer as if the bitterness could be eliminated, and politicians beating around the bush when dealing with topics such as global warming and the war abroad. Probably the biggest painstaking issue is the one that hits closest to home. Everyday, the people you surround yourself with speak only half the truth, filtering the information that might be deemed "too harsh" before they feed you the leftovers. When did people become too sensitive and soft to be able to take the truth for what it is? Does giving half the story account for still being honest? Sugar coated pills may taste good on the exterior but that layer soon flakes off revealing the potent chemicals beneath. Either way, one must douse the pill and swallow thru the pain.

There is a time when fairytales no longer do the job , when only rainbows and butterflies are spewed out and the gory, cut throat reality is omitted. Maybe at a younger age, it is best to leave certain sections out, to preserve their innocence and purity and that what you don't know can't ever hurt you. But that was then and people change. We all age and mature, hopefully learning from our past deeds and maturing as we move along. But sadly, we are still treated as children. It is not like we haven't been exposed to diseases like cancer and AIDs and deaths before. As if its any surprise, news is constantly aired on television. Let me make my own decisions. Tell it like it is. I do not need any more of this wimpy made-up story so that I can feel better about myself. When did the truth become so taboo in our society? Does slipping a little white lie consult to a person feeling truly better about themselves? Maybe for a while, but the truth always comes out and when it does, it only strikes harder than before. Artificial sweeteners like Splenda do more harm than any benefit. They might make the taste better but in reality, denigrates. Bittersweet

DOORBELLS

Every house has its door, connecting that of the inside to the world on the outside. In some places, even before one is allowed to encounter the door, they must first face the fence, the gate, that guards the property, offers safety and protects the privacy of an individual. Every house has a door, the medium between the mind and reality. Some doors are composed of fine wood, others metal or glass, and even some of unknown substance only identifiable by the house's owner himself. What are doors for? To keep those on the outside out and those inside to remain in. A door contains a lock, only to be open with the turn of a key, the right key that fits into the compartment and allows one to enter into within. Some places even offer doormats, to bring a sense of greeting, a welcoming to guests that leave, remove parts of who they are at the door in order to get to know one a little more personally.

Usually, juxtaposed to the door is the doorbell, a neat electronic mechanism that sounds, causing a technical tune to be emitted from within, letting one inside know of the guests waiting patiently on the other side. But if the doorbell was to be broken, they always have the solution of knocking on the door, clenching their hands and tapping on the door in a rhythmic fashion, until one is informed and rushes to the door, unlocking the hatch to guide those inside. But for those at the door that never realize the doorbell malfunctioned, they continue pressing on it, foolishly hoping that the one inside will realize and notice them waiting patiently. Those with a lack of, will give up, walk away from the door, never turning back.

For houses without doors, a house is still a house;a haven, a place of comfortability, seclusion, independence, privacy, an attachment. Even without a boundary structure to hold unwanted guests to enter, trespassers always break through, disturbing the peace one has created, the structure one has designed. The doorbell is no longer necessary without a door, the invisible portal can no longer regulate who stays in and who stays out. But those that have been welcomed in before unlike strangers that walk in and out of the homes, respect one's and choose to wait on the other side, until the one inside realizes that all this time, they have never left their side. On the other hand, maybe the doorbell is useless, the ring is just of a nuisance, an unnecessary gadget that can be omitted. Maybe, the door was never locked in the first place, just took for one to acknowledge. Nonetheless, a doorbell is useless without the unfastening of the lock.

DISTORTION

eyes are for one to see, to observe to assume and to object, to finalize and conclude, to judge and to pretend. sometimes what you see is not what you get. the long unwinding path you believe leads you to the light you so distantly perceive. your eyes play tricks on your mind, manipulating and diverting the reality into something surreal. and the light up ahead no longer seems any closer to the goal you once placed. how easily do people finalize with their eyes, the verdict of the end. Lets just say that the eyes can be deceiving. and maybe reading this is just another misleading path. good luck figuring that one out. maybe its not even glasses you need, maybe its the naive ignorance. there are always two sides to a paper, two sides to a story, many ways to orally transfer the gist.

those that learn to incorporate both their vision and their knowledge can filter information through their mouths in a dialect that is completely honest and trusted are those that rise to the occasion. words without meaning, speaking without thinking, qualities only dolls retain. and dolls are used for entertainment, to play with, to control, to operate, to disfigure. sooner or later, they will be tossed to the side, cast forever to be replaced by a new toy. thats the harsh reality. one little slip up and you become worthless. the doll hid behind its face, the only face it knew how to make. the mask it adorned. and spoke the few sentences it only knew how to utter. and the doll was passed around, spilling its information around until it became no more. without thought, without processing thru the brain, the eyes can only see and infer, never finalize.

your eyes tell you what you want, but control of the brain you lack. those that believe they are the top experience the hardest falls

WHEN REALITY HITS

i watch tv, i vie for the drama and the scandals. thats what makes things entertaining . but only when its not me. i try to evade it from my own personal life. but lately, life has become the best prime time soap opera there is. just like the actors on screen, everyone plays their part so well. we have the damsel in distress, the cute naive chracter that everyone adores and cares for. but inside she entails her feelings and once who she is becomes who other ppl see, will she still be the sweetheart that everyone loves? no one is ever that simple. its all an act. then we have her friend, who plays the supporting role. but do not be alarmed for this friend plays multiple positions but no matter what, she remains on the sidelines. who cares for the secondaries. oh but wait, maybe it is her time to shine for what we may uncover is her best trait ever, her uncanny ability to lie straight to everyone's faces, the precedent to the start of another storyline. Finally, she has her time to shine, shine with all the lies she can hide behind that aloof, calm, collected composure. and when everything unravels, will she still be as stoic as she plays? we will just have to wait and see now do we.

next in line is the hero, the one everyone can relate to, the one that when danger surfaces, whisks off to save the day. though he may seem like a caretaker, a provider, maybe he is not all that charitable, maybe it is more directed at trying to gain the approval of the girl he has his eyes on. and when that girl gives him the smallest ounce of gratitude, the rest of the world becomes nothing more to him as his mind narrows down to only her. how sweet, how kind. every superhero has his weakness. what is his? that would just spoil the whole plot. the hero's faithful companion is every man's best friend, his dog. this dog is always expected to follow his nose, find the buried treasure, the hidden evidence, anything that would be exciting or entertaining. its not really him whos dragging the hero along, its the owner that has the leash on the dog. the dog may walk off but the leash places limits, barriers. and one day loyalty wont be so important to this dog anymore, breaking from his identity, or rather the role that everyone believes suits him best. dogs are always inferior to humans, always positioned as pets, having guardians. and one day that collar will just be too tight, strangling the dog and leaving him to be or maybe the leash will tear, releasing the dog to go who he so oughts to go, wandering wherever he so wants to. but that is not his want to be a stray, an abandoned puppy-eyed dog. He wants to return home, to comfortability but for what reasons? to be kicked around and forgotten again? better than nothing right. neglect is always better than feigned sympathy.

the sweetheart's competition, the pageant queen has it all or rather she believes she shines the brightest in comparison to those around her. she waves her hand with that plastic smile fixated on her face, her eyes surfacing the world, without any hint of feeling or meaning. her cold distant persona can turn warm and friendly but her busy schedule forces her to set her priorities. maybe her pageantry answers are idealistic but never realistic. maybe she likes to take on the position of peacemaker, conflict settler but that is not her position to be. she should just stay on her pedestal, looking down on those beneath her, wearing the crown she has awarded herself. so you may wonder why does the sweetheart and miss america dislike each other? maybe its not dislike, maybe not hate, but simply a drift. neither have time for the other to understand them, to even get close to. like two puzzle pieces that do not fit. last but not least are our favorites, the two carefree, laid back goofs that provide the humor for this show. they make the dumbest decisions in the world usually ending up in bad consequences and punishments later on. it may be all fun and games, but what is their motive behind the crap that they do? who knows. maybe its to let ppl know that they are hxc. they are the shit. the real deal. simply badass. just that they are the only ones that believe so. everyone just view them as losers, posers, wannabes. wait till they find out the truth.

sounds pretty entertaining to me. i guarantee you will not want to miss a second of this new hit drama. but do not say i did not warn you if you want to get involved. the crap they come up with on this show may seem so farfetched and surreal but it hits closer to home than you would expect. it might even be more truthful than reality tv. or maybe one day, you will learn to take the remote and switch the channel cancelling the show all together. now wouldn't that be something.

AMENDMENTS

Everyday i see you. You do not meet my standards i'm sorry to admit. Can you not be who you are? I'm sick of having to deal with you and stand up for you. That's because I'm the only way that knows you. But when you look at me, we don't see eye to eye. I try to fix you and mold you to my liking but there is always something off. yknow i can't shrug you off. i would but i can't. DO you feel like you're bounded. why can't you just be who you are and not care for those that shit about it. stop with the doubting. im tired of it. i seriously am. i can tell you what to do. you know i can. just that you won't listen. im the clearest voice in your head yet you listen to those around you. im frustrated too. nothing too grasp. right? i wish we could both take it easy. we are one together but we are two different ppl. depends on who we are around right. funny thing is you are me and i am you. we stare at each other and we don't know our true identity. or maybe we are one.

a broken bridge, either it wasnt wanted or it isnt needed. too worn from being trampled over. finally collapsed. but its internal destruction. for the structure is still intact, just the pieces that really matter are no longer present. used to connect two things together. the water beneath crashes again and again, wearing its wall.

I scream for some silence. I laugh to laugh for once, not there so you notice I'm gone and I breathe cuz its necessary

just for mo :D

IN THE MIDST

its been a while hasn't it. my mind open to a selected range of people that are willing to take time to glance . so hows life? its pretty good says one. its pretty swell i must say. i get the grades i want, the friends that notice me, the parents that nurture and care, and the confidence i attain. who am i? an ordinary wallflower, static and without meaning, tapered on the wall, awaiting for anyone or thing to come and admire me. but i just blend in with the background. im no different than any other flowers on the wall, let alone comparable. for i have ripped petals and missing petals, dried leaves, stained from the environment. life is great you presume. yes it is. hey friend, im jealous of you. why cant we just swap lives one day. i would never give yours back. i would be so happy and be the perfect child. i promise. but wait, im me and youre you. im suppose to like who i am right? im different you say. but i beg to differ. im a ghost. i make my entrance but no one acknowledges. its all fun and games. then its goodbye and im swift away to my home. the fly on the wall that sees all but sits out and left to be. even maybe swatted. life is short. can you end mine for me please? death is ugly but everyone goes thru with it. can you just grant me my wish. im at a crossroad. can you guide me to the right path. or maybe ill pass this one and get hit by the car. its not like i want to get hit. i wave frantically to no avail. i signal the driver to stop. but does he care?  
the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round,
the wheels on the bus go round and round, drive me over till i lie on the ground
throw me under the bus. i will mind. but im speechless, more like i cant speak.
hey, its dark baby. can you be my light. im scared. you dont have to if you dont want to. hey, its pouring right now. stand under the umbrella with me. no? dont worry bout it. no hard feelings. lets play hide and seek. ill hide you seek. hope you dont get tired from seeking forever. try and find but i guarantee you wont find me. i returned to the wall where i belong. row 8, 17th down. i will be lonely tho. can you still talk to me even tho we are so distant? dont let me down. tell me soon so i can give up hoping. im a planted seed. im not growing. i dont like myself. stomp on me please. ill tell you its okay. but who cares about the truth. its so buried in the soils. hi blog. been a while huh? long time no talk. please dont make me feel shitty. wait you cant! thnx for listening. i want to be me but its not that easy. why cant the one that i see be someone different. i rather be a wallflower. i wont be lonely with countless others surrounding me!