NEVER KNEW

christmas is approaching. i should be happy. i should be eager to the break approaching. but somethings standing in the way. and i guess i would usually say its finals but i dont really care about finals anymore. i mean they have controlled my life so much for the last two years. i know i shouldnt be losing grip now since this year is so dire but really, my grades have no chance basically. what stands in the way of me and christmas is surviving these two weeks. i used to think i was a pretty sociable people person. GUESS NOT anymore. hella effed that up. but its not my fault. ill blame everything on society since it seems to take blame so well. basically, whether i like to believe it or not, i learn stuff from my crap class lit. i mean its tough when we are graded on opinionated styles and how much we participate but i like the class because i can say whore in class and i wouldnt get in trouble. haha jaykay but seriously, i used to be so ignorant or chose to but lit kind of shows how to see everything in a different perspective. like today, we watched the crucible, and suprisingly, i really enjoyed the film. even tho the ending was lame, the plot was really good. i mean everyone thought this girl was a bitch and im not saying she wasnt, but she was almost the heroine of the movie. she basically had the people of the town around her fingers. she controlled everything and for a girl that young to hold so much power is respectable. man i sound like im writing a dear ms mcmillion letter. im jealous of the ppl who had conferences with her and were able to ask questions at all. i wonder why when it was my turn, i had nothing to present to her, nothing. am i really that accepting of my letter grade. do i sound hypocritical when i say i dont care about my finals but i do care about my grades? im not happy with it but i can't be there to complain about it. i mean will the grade change from the past? a definite no. but i still wish i was more involved, more concerned. i feel a lack of concern for everything, like im hawaii and everyone else is united states. this would be a perfect time to tie into apush but im going to pass on mentioning about my fave class.

twenty one days. twenty one days till xmas. what would i like to see under my invisible tree? hmmmm time, tiempo. basically, i want things that can't be bought. how do we spend our twenty four hours a day. im pretty wasteful with mine or else i would not be writing in this. but during break, i want it to feel like summer. the first part of summer where it was actually enjoyable where there was no such thing as a curfew. there was but who cared about that. holy crap, this song just went screamo on me. HAHAHA the beginning sounded hella normal. wtf this is what you get for downloading off limewire. oh yeah, basically, for my pretend xmas wish list, i want to feel involved. i want to have a meaning. i dont know why im living. it seems so pointless to waste it all on grades and SATs. my mom says this one year will determine your four years in the future. so true but cant i at least enjoy my life? life is too short to be sad. but sometimes you cant help being sad. and when this pain doesnt go away, do you pretend like nothings wrong? keep moving through with time until it becomes too late and the time bomb explodes. school sucks so bad. i can see why i had so many more friends last year. because i was blind as hell. half of them are so shallow, so fake. like what do they care? so they can compare themselves with me? well i guess i serve a good purpose cuz no matter what, i always end up short. thats my role in life. to serve as an encourager. To show ppl what not to get on tests, and how not to screw up their life. sometimes, i blame it on my parents pressure. they always seem to want to take the short cut.. for instance, i wasted my freshmen to sophomore summer taking a stupid fcking class at some private school. i basically had four hours of one on one with this recently widower who took the whole side of a table where the food he ate basically missed and slipped down his soft plushy snowsloped figure. wow great image. he made it so that the table we sat on formed a perfect see saw, that always was stuck on one end. basically, after six weeks of pure bliss, i go to safari and i realized taht it wasnt legalized, that the credits didnt transfer. and when i realized i had wasted my whole summer taking a pointless class, i yelled at my parents so much, i was in a position to where they had no authority for they had messed me up. but so what, the more i yelled, the more i told them how great of parents they were, did the problem change? no but from now on, i realized the blame shouldnt have been on them, it should have been on me. if i cared so much, if i was so concerned i would have double checked to see if this fraud of a class was going to end up on my transcript. amen. so this year, i hope that time will appear miraculously, that each day of break, each twenty four hours would seem endless. and on the last day, i will be there, playing secondhand serenade's its not over because its not over. it will never be over. the break will be over. but my problems wont. its like an endless struggle taht i hope one day i will come out victoriously. materialisticly, i would like headphones since i have great memory to where i placed mine. i would like apparel from a cause, from one.com from gap product(red), from aldo.com. if we are to get clothes, why not wear those with good meaning, those that help. who am i to complain after looking at how fortunate i already am. at least im healthy right. at least i have friends that i can trust to be there thru both good and bad. wow im so hallmark right now. disgusts me too. peace