FEELING THIS

am i bad person for beleiving the way i do. if i am, then i must be even worse if i can't even notice that im bad. who is the final verdict for my decisions. do i let ppl tell me what is right or wrong or do i stand by my claims. is there ever a right or a wrong side to a situation. is there even sides to a situation that really isn't a situation. i hate picking sides, but im not sure i can say that for everyone. and when ppl dont choose your "side" doesn't it hurt even more? just like the last kid standing when choosing teams. thats how i feel. schoolyard picks have not left us since elementary school. all that has happened is that it evolved, a more hidden form that is less obvious but strikes even harder. and sometimes, you just got to let all this crap pass you. why should i be so sensitive from everything that bothers me. it seems that everyone can hide their feelings so well. that they cover every flaw and seem composed. is it bad to be yourself than be fake. im not sure i know anymore. if you are fake, you can never get that hurt since no one really knows the real you. so even if you feel stabbed, the wound doesnt bleed that deep, its only a scratch from the thick skin that has grew. but, this barrier seems to be falling apart. this fortress seems to lose its ground and slowly crumble past my eyes. wearing a smile is not fun.. i know, but smiling, uses less muscle than frowning. why frown on the world, for ppl to see if thats only how you feel. why bring the world down with you when its your problem. is this problem similar to school tho. do we care what other ppl feel? how other ppl will react or how they will judge based on your scores, your academic achievements? no one cares about how others when it comes down to it. its every man for themselves and the surivival of the fittest serves its point. why not make it easier to come out on top by disabling your adversaries. by limiting their abilities, doesnt that just make you closer to beating them?

i lack the ability to forget. as much as i want to let things slide, they never do. its easy when its just bailey or me, but not for life. i just want to let it pass, forget about what bothers me. but i dont. i let it rot in my head until i cant think of it any longer, and by then, its too late. cuz i feel like shit. things dont ever go my way. but why cant they just seem perfect once in a while. im the worlds greatest pretender. i can go for a whole day and on the outside look happy but i dont even know anymore how i feel. its so numb i just go with the flow. if ppl are happy, ill show what they want me to show. its not that hard. sometimes, its good to be so leniant, it makes you more approachable, more liked. this semester is ending soon, and my hopes are running dry. i can try, but there is no source to fill my emptiness. secrets keep you sick. my secrets are the only thing that keeps me going. they arent secrets. they are more like things i rather not share. im thirsty and the fountain is in front of me. but im not willing. im not deserving and dehydration wont kill me. at least not for now

i feel invisible. save me