CATCH ME WHEN I FALL

school scares me. im scared for finals. especially this years finals. make it or break it yknow. but the worst thing is that i know i dont have a chance of changing some of my grades but i still believe that i have hope. like my lit essay right. its all about change, how the society was so corrupt and needed to be torned down and rebuilt. i want to start over. but its not the right time. nothing is driving me to start anew. i want to so bad, want to redo everything, everything i messed up with but i cant change the past so i have to change the future. im waiting for my new years resolutions. im waiting for winter break. i plan on doing drivers ed in one day. i want my permit badly. i feel so uncomparable since i dont even have my permit. i know that i wont have time over summer. man ill be gone from july 14th to august 17th. my whole summer will go to waste. not completely since i get to go to olympics right? but no matter how fun that sounds, its being away home for more than a month and trust me, i get freakin home sick. even if ppl there are your friends, they arent that close and you will always feel a distance from your surroundings. i was watching tv yesterday and what the mother tells the daughter was really provoking but true. she told her daughter that as you grow older, the decisions you make shape the person you become. honestly, i feel bad for what i did. i mean my teacher was not smart in telling the class that she got the essay prompt online since the internet is open access to the world but i still feel likeit wasnt deserving for others since they werent that privileged in some sense. i mean the playing field wasnt balanced, we had a sort of unfair advantage and im not blaming myself for getting it because if others wanted to know what the prompt was badly, they would have searched harder to find it. but the thing is they didnt and when i entered to write gruesomely for the 50 minutes, i kept on thinking to myself whether what i did was right. whether it was a form of cheating. i mean i was just using my resources right?

its stupid because i mean sometimes we dont really care if we cheat anymore. the grade is more important to us than our integrity. we have no dignity for how shameful we look and its because we are so clever in to not getting caught. and sitting here, i still feel like a hypocrite because no matter what, if a person comes to me and tells me that they have the prompt, or the answers to a test, i would ask for them to give it to me. because i honestly think i go to school to get a grade, not to learn. seriously do i remember all the math i learned or the civil war after this year? i hope not as well because thats not useful. sometimes i get sad when i compare myself to ppl because im not that book nerdy but then when i think about it, i thank God for giving something so much more useful in the future. being streets smart pays off. some ppl are so good at studying and get such good grades but outside of school, they are dumb as a rock. its because they cant think without a textbook guiding them. they arent smart enough to maneuver around situations to benefit them. its okay. i think im having a good day. ill think ill find the right path

PART2: if you want to judge me, its all right. you can label anyone anything, but at the end of the day, its what the person sees in themselves. i dont see myself as a cheater because i didnt do anything wrong. if it was so unfair, why did you not take the opportunity before to look it up yourself. online, and you doesnt mean you, its means everyone that is mad at the situation. the thing is you can unleash your frustration and blame it on me but the thing is, the internet is not closed to any specific person. for the teacher to say that she got it from online, its basically a ticket to searching it yourself. opportunities will come to you. its whether you take the chance or not. and by chance, did we know exactly that this prompt was correct. its everything the internet says truthful? if so then, go use wikipedia for resources. and all this complaining only leads to what, you cant change the past. complain to me forever but the task has changed. and if you want to say i lack in integrity, its for you to say but integrity is personal. opinions count but yours outrules anyone elses. if a person tells you that the gas station on the corner of that street is cheap, and you dont go there to pump gas, whose fault is it at the end of the day. if you want to blame someone, look at yourself first. if a person doesnt take the opportunity, its not another persons fault. there is an open path that you can see the exit, but if you stray away from it, you cant blame others for taking the path themselves.