OVER AND OVER AGAIN

Let's face it. No one enjoys failure. If we had the choice, the obviously pick would to not to fail. No brainer. But knowing that situations either go well or they result in the opposite, why are we wired to handle failing so poorly? As intellectual individuals, top of the world, shouldn't we know there holds a 50/50 chance that the outcome won't be positive? And yet, once it strikes, it hits us hard. Time and time again, I tell myself that it's perfectly normal to not always succeed. Its not like my history has been spotlessly slated, polished and refined with no black marks. Yes, many instances prior, I have failed. Yet, each time an event does not go towards my favor, I hold it against myself. Funny thing is, when college results come out, I wonder how I will respond.

NEVER A QUITTER

its december already. how fast one year flies by. today's britney spears' twenty-seventh birthday. she is the perfect epitome of the comeback. with her life heavily scrutinized by the public media, watching her rise to stardom in the late 90s to her breakdown spiral into chaos, she has finally emerged back on top. hopefully, this year, the eagles wont steal her title of number one album. as much as people hate to admit, she's back. she's better than ever, and she's here to stay.

this song's not on the album but i particularly like it. listen to the lyrics. they mean something. it never struck me how much my life will change after this year. everything from my environment, my friends, and most importantly, myself. need i forget, its december. bring on the cold.

UP UP AND AWAY

this week
i lost my stats book
i lost my roll of film
i lost my composure
i lost my friend's trust
i lost my friend

TURNING LEAVES

Looking back at my prior posts, I noticed how I used to apply ample time modifying and tweaking my post with snazzy artistic photos and clever titles to add an aesthetic feel to my entry. I also have reached a realization to how poor my grammar was and the lack of punctuation in my sentences. Maybe, I was heading for a sort of informal, colloquial feel to my writing but that would just come off as a pathetic excuse.

So, going with the seasons, Fall happens to be the time of change, when we wave goodbye to summer breeze, the warmth and ability to walk outside with a simple t-shirt and shorts, docked with some flip-flops. See an end to the surmounting heat from the UV rays that burn our skin cells and the cool machine-generated winds of the AC slipping through our vents. And as soon as we say our goodbyes, we are welcomed with the shift in climate as no longer are we able to enjoy the liberties of one layers and the lack of daylight thanks to our dear Ben Franklin and his more than applicable day-light saving. The leaves lose their healthy green in exchange for a crisp new red coat and the significant change in the return of prime-time television! As for me, I think looking into the future might just be a change that would fit this period. And in similarities, I do refer to how in both cases, neither seems to have a bright end until spring returns.

At times, I question my abilities and talents, the accomplishments I achieved in my seventeen years existing. My lack of security explains the hardships in completing a brag sheet, or a resume where I completely lack in pride or ability to boast righteously about myself. Instead, to avoid such deeds, I indulge myself with the usual YouTube searches, browsing of new music, tuning into the latest programs, and the latest dirt in pop culture; basically equating to a lifestyle of a vegetable.

Today, I snapped my first roll of film independently, all 24 pictures, disregarding one which I allowed my friend to take. It was quite satisfactory pretending to be all artsy fartsy during the time I strapped the SLR to my neck. From pictures of stairs to telephone wires, I was quite amazed at how indulging it was to see through the lens of a camera. I cannot say that the human eye is not already a phenomenal aspect but man, just looking through those fine lens is a quite a sight. At times, i felt foolish for squatting over like an old asian fob, trying to work the camera and other times, taking forever to adjust the f-stop and aperture to create the perfect shot.

But at last, none of these things seem to impact my life more than Blockles. It is my current joy and passion and as I am typing away, I am in the midst of a game of intense tetris where sabotage is not chastised and where conniving tactics results to victory. I only have the ability to write here due to my third place landing. Playing against siblings is probably never a smart thing to do.

AFTER THE RAIN

you know that feeling, when you have that lump in your throat, that pain in your stomach, and you want to let it out, but you dont know how to? and the only deed you can take is to let it release from your eyes, trying in vain to remove the thoughts and images responsible for your current status. and after youre done, nothing has changed, the problem is still unresolved, the anger is still in your eyes, the pain is still culminating within.

it rained last night. today, the clouds were scattered, the skies blue, the air an unprecedented clear, freshness. but that only undermines the black grey clouds that will soon appear, pouring down on the world and reestablishing the dull murky feel one attains from watching the raindrops splatter against the window. but for that brief time, when the skies are parted, when the clouds, their marshmellow fluff look, we beleive that something will be good of this day, not stopping to think to plan out the future. and before you know it, your day ends with thunder and lightning, a heavy storm blowing the trees left and right and shaking the house in all directions. its still a crappy day.

and then there's other days when you cast your eyes up above, watching the flock of geese migrate to warmer destinations. how free and uninhibited they seem, gliding in the skies that offer so many possibilities and endless unboundedness. we, as kids, always wanted the power of flight, to soar and be liberal. but thats childs thinking. we as humans, far too intelligent for our own selves always set goals that will never be accomplished, projects that will end up half finished, and ideas that lead to nowhere. we offer remedies as planes or sky scrapers to imitate the heights of flight, but in the end, its only a substitute. a cheap prototype of the real deal that can only be half assed.

but people rather see sunshine than gloomy overcasting clouds. no one likes to be showered upon by pouring rain, even under an umbrella. the cold damp feel may bring temporary satisfaction to some, splashing in the puddles and running wildly, soaking up their faces in a shortlived joy. then, they must face the outcomes of getting wet and cold, resulting in sickness, their soaked clothes hanging to dry, and the feeling of tissues against your wet nose. so in the end, rain is no good, sunshine is all we see. and that rainbow offers a promise. one that applies to each one of us, yet so easily disregarded. the sun, as we note, brings light, energy, and heat. so for all of us, lets reflect that shine, as superficial and unwanting it might be. its what the world wants to see. only what the world beleives is important.

SOMETIMES

sometimes, i want to tell you what a dumbass you really are and how ludicrous and ridiculous your reasoning comes off as. sometimes, im saving you from further embarassment by telling ppl to stfu when they talk shit that you just bring upon yourself. sometimes, i dont understand why i persist in being so good to you. sometimes, i know i have the potential to destruct your life and have everything turned against you. sometimes, i rather be elsewhere instead of sitting there quietly next to you sulk and gloom. but everytime, i don't, everytime, i just let it pass, passiveness is not weak. its smart. everytime, i keep it in, tho on the verge of exploding. everytime, you don't even realize. everytime, i try looking out for you. i just wish you would do the same.

SKIN DEEP

senior portraits are in less than a week. why am i so nervous that my pic will come out bad or the fact that i might miraculously turn good looking in time for my 4:45 on september 8th. i have religiously stuck these awful crest white strips on my teeth for 30 minute intervals every morning and night in hopes that my teeth will shine brighter than the sun on picture day. i even stare at myself in the mirror hoping that they wont instruct me on what side of my face to display cuz the flaws are evident. man , its hard being born less than perfect. i found some new songs. im pretty psyched. i like it when i have something other dont. it makes me feel superior, like superiority complex. i might have that. you know what, at my haircut place, there was this frog ornament and i was so scared. its red eyes were fixated on me and it just sent me chills. i dont get why ppl think its wierd that im really scared of frogs. like i even went to wiki and theres a PAGE on the fear of frogs. its called like ranidaphobia (ok i just checked wiki again). im a little bummed. tomorrow everyone will be going to the hillsong concert. as much as i dont want to beleive i care. i really love hillsong. they are good stuff. its okay. i need to do hw cuz labor day weekend was wasted. no it wasnt. i had fun with my friends. thats the most important thing. to have fun! im trying to squeeze as much leisure time possible before my 6-day distance btwn me and my seventeen year old self. what if when im seventeen, i become really boring and bookish and have no friends and hide behind my glasses while reading books like twilight (i dont get why ppl are overly obsessed with that book, i mean seriously, vampires are not cute, hot, romantic, or anything remotely positive). i do have a booklist tho. i want to read my sister's keeper, OMFG so i had my whole list typed out on my phone but stupid me didnt know the context of RESTORE option so i pressed it so all my stuff on my phone is gone. this sucks. i depend on my lists. i kinda have OCD. umm so i dont really remember any of the other books i had interest in.. oh the virgin suicides and middlesex, written by the same person. i want to read a thousand little pieces? i think the one that oprah found out was a hoax, a fake memoir. i like scandals. im excited, all my tv shows are coming back. no mo writers strike. im excited for 90210. did anyone else watch that show? i love the theme song. i hope this new cast is just as good as the regulars. i should really go to sleep. its 1:20 but i had to wait about 30 minutes until these strips were done. beauty comes with a price. right right? yes or else we wouldnt be interested in shows like antm and in celebs. we are shallow ppl deal with it. i currently really like the band the saturdays. they are amazing. can you guys please listen to them. they sing up! and if this is love and issues. and also lady gaga with her song paparazzi and love games besides her famed just dance. and i like battle by colbie caillat. i wish i could play guitar. someone teach me or lend me theirs. kthnx. i really gotta jet. its late. good thing i dont have first. suckerss. peaceout girlscout