TONGUE TIED

RESUMMATION

2009-09-26T16:54:00.000-07:00

RANT:
The first week at a community college overcrowded with foreign international students who cram all possible course selection mixed in with my newly acquired job comes out to be the perfect ingredients to a recipe of disaster. Not only did I find myself frantically speeding down 280 back and forth btwn Foothill and DeAnza in any means of attaining a class with a sympathetic-enough professor who would grant me the add code, but showing up at work to face Shefaali, my middle-aged Indian manager who could only be summed up as one of the most sordid, money-swindling people you will meet. Though this might be somewhat of a fabrication, my detest of her could possibly stem from having to hear her utter any order or direction in her heavy accent equivalent to sitting through a Bollywood film festival or Slumdog Millionaire on repeat.

OBSERVE&REPORT:
The lady who gave me my flu shot was named Vera FAGOT
The skater sitting to my right in Calc released a strong weed stench
Apparently, De Anza and Foothill maybe sister colleges
but do not share the same placement tests
The effects of global warming has resulted in Cupertino overheating
I watched Jennifer's Body and tried noticing Megan Fox's thumb

TVWATCHLIST:
GG (yes, it's decently amusing and I can relate to Blair)
90210 (tho Annie's makeup artist must be out sick with the swine flu or something)
Glee (hopefully, their musical numbers will be of better song choices)
ANTM (team korean beauty suffering tosis in her left eye)
The Office (can anyone say it's not written well?)
Modern Family (i laugh a lot)
Desperate Housewives (Mike picks Susan, it's a guarantee)
Survivor (he got the hidden immunity idol already...)
Amazing Race (always a winner)
Community (just cuz i love anything with ken jeong)

REMORSE

2009-01-26T01:02:00.000-08:00

Lately, I feel really bitter. I think I grasp reality too well and I get ticked off when others around me seem so optimistic and airy. Today I was really bored. I want something new in my life. Yesterday, the speaker at my church's youth group mentioned on how negative change was. I believe otherwise. Why don't I trust my own abilities and just learn to think independently without others' feedback? I mean, I myself give plenty of opinions yet I live on assurance from my peers. It's not ideal. Snow retreat is coming up. I'm almost scared to see the day coming. Not entirely in a bad sense but just that certain scenarios will happen that I won't be too keen of. If you have not noticed, I like things going my way and if they don't go as planned, I get pretty pissed off. So conclusively, I think I'm telling myself I need to learn to be alone. Or just try finding a new venue to feed my angst, also known as a job.

REMARK

2009-01-12T23:56:00.000-08:00

Two days ago, I typed in my name into Google and one of the results was my very outdated Myspace account which I haven't accessed since sophomore year. It was quite amusing looking at my pictures and at who graced my top 8. What happened to Myspace? Regardless, I took the liberty of deactivating my account to eliminate all traces of my embarrassment.

REGRET

2009-01-11T00:36:00.000-08:00

It's alright. You don't even have to bother reminding me. Somedays are better than others. Somedays, I receive the attention and concern. But most of the time, it's out of last resort or safety. Whatever may come my way, I shall take it for what it is and nothing more. It frustrates me how I continue trying in vain, hoping one day it all pays back. I'm still waiting for that day to come then. Today, I took my Christmas tree down. My house hosted it for a little over a month. At first, walking past my living room, the brightly lit ornament captured my sight each time. As each day past, the setting became evermore common and I slowly paid less attention to the tree and decor. On Christmas Day, I paid tribute to it. I sat and played some festive Christmas songs as well. But that was it. Nothing more. Today, we took it down. Before we bought it, I suggested my family purchase a fake one so it was more portable and reusable. Against my wishes, my parentals went out and bought a real one. Relocating the tree, a huge mirky water stain left its mark on our white carpet. Forever a memory, moreso a reminder. Therefore, I stated to my mother that if she were to have taken my advise and bought a pseudo replica from Sear's or something, that stain would not be apparent. Instead of each year getting replaced, we would opt for a more sturdy reliable one that never loses its shape or form. I think my mom was unmoved.

RECOLLECTION

2009-01-07T23:07:00.000-08:00

today is wednesday, january 7th, 2008.
im pretty sure one knows that already.
today was pretty ordinary, but filled with some peculiar events.
i went to school, typical.
at school, i was trailed constantly throughout the day by this orange ski jacket wearing asian boy who could barely utter an ounce of proper english and does not believe in the utility of a razor.
furthermore, he persistently believes him and me are friends and does not appear the bit bothered by my seemingly apparent neglectance of his existence. this would register as peculiar.
in physio, we practiced CPR. it was awkward to say the least. i guess im not used to people, even regular friends to place their hands on my waist and push me. not sure where to classify this one under. strange.
afterschool, i went and got a haircut. i wasn't sure how i preferred my hair but i was certain i was not a fan of the heaviness and the thickness of it. therefore, i asked my barber who, fyi, does not understand english and only operates with mandarin, posingquite a challenge. i told him initially to cut it inch by inch so i could oversee the procedure. however, the first cut set the tone for the rest of the trimming as my hair progressively got shorter and shorter, chunk by chunk.in the end, i came out of it looking like a fobby little kid with a tuft of hair irregularly blocking my right eye's vision. unique
i also turned in my panera application to the manager who gave me a stink eye and the elevator glance. that was a good sign. surprising
i come home and take a long shower. i had lots to think about. common
i sit down for dinner. my mom passes angry stares towards my ambivalent dad who just looks down at his salad. afterward, my mom calls a family meeting. i sit and listen to them "talk" back and forth for two hours. ordinary
my sister invites her boyfriend to our house, yet again. ordinary.
cept this time she makes a phone call to her friend and places herself on our kitchen counter, chatting away for a good half an hour or so as her boyfriend flips thru the channels. i guess he was so bored that he came by to tell me the pear my mom had sliced for me was ready.
i get a fb message from this girl who i dont really communicate with. she has been in my 9th grade spanish class and this year's photo class. she adds me to one of her fb notes about leaving an impact on her life. i was quite unaware of this. i dont know her well. i dont talk to her much. yet she thinks i left a mark in her life? i dont know what to think. i guess i should feel honored.
i found some toesocks in my drawers. they are pretty heretical. im at home. i should be comfortable.
i have christmas presents yet to buy, wrap, and deliver.
i would call this belated.
tomorrow is thursday, january 8th.
its eventful. i know it. even if it tries to not be, i really hope it is.

OVER AND OVER AGAIN

2008-12-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

Let's face it. No one enjoys failure. If we had the choice, the obviously pick would to not to fail. No brainer. But knowing that situations either go well or they result in the opposite, why are we wired to handle failing so poorly? As intellectual individuals, top of the world, shouldn't we know there holds a 50/50 chance that the outcome won't be positive? And yet, once it strikes, it hits us hard. Time and time again, I tell myself that it's perfectly normal to not always succeed. Its not like my history has been spotlessly slated, polished and refined with no black marks. Yes, many instances prior, I have failed. Yet, each time an event does not go towards my favor, I hold it against myself. Funny thing is, when college results come out, I wonder how I will respond.

NEVER A QUITTER

2008-12-02T23:37:00.000-08:00

its december already. how fast one year flies by. today's britney spears' twenty-seventh birthday. she is the perfect epitome of the comeback. with her life heavily scrutinized by the public media, watching her rise to stardom in the late 90s to her breakdown spiral into chaos, she has finally emerged back on top. hopefully, this year, the eagles wont steal her title of number one album. as much as people hate to admit, she's back. she's better than ever, and she's here to stay.
Quicksand (bonus track) - Britney Spears
this song's not on the album but i particularly like it. listen to the lyrics. they mean something. it never struck me how much my life will change after this year. everything from my environment, my friends, and most importantly, myself. need i forget, its december. bring on the cold.

UP UP AND AWAY

2008-11-17T00:34:00.000-08:00

this week
i lost my stats book
i lost my roll of film
i lost my composure
i lost my friend's trust
i lost my friend

TURNING LEAVES

2008-11-11T19:46:00.000-08:00

Looking back at my prior posts, I noticed how I used to apply ample time modifying and tweaking my post with snazzy artistic photos and clever titles to add an aesthetic feel to my entry. I also have reached a realization to how poor my grammar was and the lack of punctuation in my sentences. Maybe, I was heading for a sort of informal, colloquial feel to my writing but that would just come off as a pathetic excuse.

So, going with the seasons, Fall happens to be the time of change, when we wave goodbye to summer breeze, the warmth and ability to walk outside with a simple t-shirt and shorts, docked with some flip-flops. See an end to the surmounting heat from the UV rays that burn our skin cells and the cool machine-generated winds of the AC slipping through our vents. And as soon as we say our goodbyes, we are welcomed with the shift in climate as no longer are we able to enjoy the liberties of one layers and the lack of daylight thanks to our dear Ben Franklin and his more than applicable day-light saving. The leaves lose their healthy green in exchange for a crisp new red coat and the significant change in the return of prime-time television! As for me, I think looking into the future might just be a change that would fit this period. And in similarities, I do refer to how in both cases, neither seems to have a bright end until spring returns.

At times, I question my abilities and talents, the accomplishments I achieved in my seventeen years existing. My lack of security explains the hardships in completing a brag sheet, or a resume where I completely lack in pride or ability to boast righteously about myself. Instead, to avoid such deeds, I indulge myself with the usual YouTube searches, browsing of new music, tuning into the latest programs, and the latest dirt in pop culture; basically equating to a lifestyle of a vegetable.

Today, I snapped my first roll of film independently, all 24 pictures, disregarding one which I allowed my friend to take. It was quite satisfactory pretending to be all artsy fartsy during the time I strapped the SLR to my neck. From pictures of stairs to telephone wires, I was quite amazed at how indulging it was to see through the lens of a camera. I cannot say that the human eye is not already a phenomenal aspect but man, just looking through those fine lens is a quite a sight. At times, i felt foolish for squatting over like an old asian fob, trying to work the camera and other times, taking forever to adjust the f-stop and aperture to create the perfect shot.

But at last, none of these things seem to impact my life more than Blockles. It is my current joy and passion and as I am typing away, I am in the midst of a game of intense tetris where sabotage is not chastised and where conniving tactics results to victory. I only have the ability to write here due to my third place landing. Playing against siblings is probably never a smart thing to do.

AFTER THE RAIN

2008-11-02T17:26:00.000-08:00

you know that feeling, when you have that lump in your throat, that pain in your stomach, and you want to let it out, but you dont know how to? and the only deed you can take is to let it release from your eyes, trying in vain to remove the thoughts and images responsible for your current status. and after youre done, nothing has changed, the problem is still unresolved, the anger is still in your eyes, the pain is still culminating within.

it rained last night. today, the clouds were scattered, the skies blue, the air an unprecedented clear, freshness. but that only undermines the black grey clouds that will soon appear, pouring down on the world and reestablishing the dull murky feel one attains from watching the raindrops splatter against the window. but for that brief time, when the skies are parted, when the clouds, their marshmellow fluff look, we beleive that something will be good of this day, not stopping to think to plan out the future. and before you know it, your day ends with thunder and lightning, a heavy storm blowing the trees left and right and shaking the house in all directions. its still a crappy day.

and then there's other days when you cast your eyes up above, watching the flock of geese migrate to warmer destinations. how free and uninhibited they seem, gliding in the skies that offer so many possibilities and endless unboundedness. we, as kids, always wanted the power of flight, to soar and be liberal. but thats childs thinking. we as humans, far too intelligent for our own selves always set goals that will never be accomplished, projects that will end up half finished, and ideas that lead to nowhere. we offer remedies as planes or sky scrapers to imitate the heights of flight, but in the end, its only a substitute. a cheap prototype of the real deal that can only be half assed.

but people rather see sunshine than gloomy overcasting clouds. no one likes to be showered upon by pouring rain, even under an umbrella. the cold damp feel may bring temporary satisfaction to some, splashing in the puddles and running wildly, soaking up their faces in a shortlived joy. then, they must face the outcomes of getting wet and cold, resulting in sickness, their soaked clothes hanging to dry, and the feeling of tissues against your wet nose. so in the end, rain is no good, sunshine is all we see. and that rainbow offers a promise. one that applies to each one of us, yet so easily disregarded. the sun, as we note, brings light, energy, and heat. so for all of us, lets reflect that shine, as superficial and unwanting it might be. its what the world wants to see. only what the world beleives is important.

SOMETIMES

2008-10-27T00:24:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i want to tell you what a dumbass you really are and how ludicrous and ridiculous your reasoning comes off as. sometimes, im saving you from further embarassment by telling ppl to stfu when they talk shit that you just bring upon yourself. sometimes, i dont understand why i persist in being so good to you. sometimes, i know i have the potential to destruct your life and have everything turned against you. sometimes, i rather be elsewhere instead of sitting there quietly next to you sulk and gloom. but everytime, i don't, everytime, i just let it pass, passiveness is not weak. its smart. everytime, i keep it in, tho on the verge of exploding. everytime, you don't even realize. everytime, i try looking out for you. i just wish you would do the same.

SKIN DEEP

2008-09-02T01:11:00.000-07:00

senior portraits are in less than a week. why am i so nervous that my pic will come out bad or the fact that i might miraculously turn good looking in time for my 4:45 on september 8th. i have religiously stuck these awful crest white strips on my teeth for 30 minute intervals every morning and night in hopes that my teeth will shine brighter than the sun on picture day. i even stare at myself in the mirror hoping that they wont instruct me on what side of my face to display cuz the flaws are evident. man , its hard being born less than perfect. i found some new songs. im pretty psyched. i like it when i have something other dont. it makes me feel superior, like superiority complex. i might have that. you know what, at my haircut place, there was this frog ornament and i was so scared. its red eyes were fixated on me and it just sent me chills. i dont get why ppl think its wierd that im really scared of frogs. like i even went to wiki and theres a PAGE on the fear of frogs. its called like ranidaphobia (ok i just checked wiki again). im a little bummed. tomorrow everyone will be going to the hillsong concert. as much as i dont want to beleive i care. i really love hillsong. they are good stuff. its okay. i need to do hw cuz labor day weekend was wasted. no it wasnt. i had fun with my friends. thats the most important thing. to have fun! im trying to squeeze as much leisure time possible before my 6-day distance btwn me and my seventeen year old self. what if when im seventeen, i become really boring and bookish and have no friends and hide behind my glasses while reading books like twilight (i dont get why ppl are overly obsessed with that book, i mean seriously, vampires are not cute, hot, romantic, or anything remotely positive). i do have a booklist tho. i want to read my sister's keeper, OMFG so i had my whole list typed out on my phone but stupid me didnt know the context of RESTORE option so i pressed it so all my stuff on my phone is gone. this sucks. i depend on my lists. i kinda have OCD. umm so i dont really remember any of the other books i had interest in.. oh the virgin suicides and middlesex, written by the same person. i want to read a thousand little pieces? i think the one that oprah found out was a hoax, a fake memoir. i like scandals. im excited, all my tv shows are coming back. no mo writers strike. im excited for 90210. did anyone else watch that show? i love the theme song. i hope this new cast is just as good as the regulars. i should really go to sleep. its 1:20 but i had to wait about 30 minutes until these strips were done. beauty comes with a price. right right? yes or else we wouldnt be interested in shows like antm and in celebs. we are shallow ppl deal with it. i currently really like the band the saturdays. they are amazing. can you guys please listen to them. they sing up! and if this is love and issues. and also lady gaga with her song paparazzi and love games besides her famed just dance. and i like battle by colbie caillat. i wish i could play guitar. someone teach me or lend me theirs. kthnx. i really gotta jet. its late. good thing i dont have first. suckerss. peaceout girlscout

HELLO, NEW LIFE

2008-07-13T00:35:00.000-07:00

i just shamefully spent a decent hour reading thru people's blogs, xangas, etc. and i must say i almost feel compelled to fill my own blog with everything personal imaginable. i usually don't feel compelled to do anything. i don't feel compelled to do my homework even tho the deadline is sooner than i let my mind rest on and i don't feel compelled to make my mom happy by folding my clothes while spending decent amount of time zoning out to the background noise of whatever i set my channel to. but i almost feel compelled to write in my blog to say the least. i feel compelled to study for SATs so i won't screw up the rest of my highschool life. remember when jojo had that song, too little too late. i remembered i hated it. it was such a typical song that you would hear on AM 131o, thats disney channel radio btw, dont ask why i still keep it stored in my memory. but recently i keep saying that phrase, too little too late and so i went online and checked out the lyrics and tho they may be talking about a relationship standpoint, one that i have not been fortunate enough to be involved in, the meaning is still impactful. btw i use that word a lot,impactful and i dont know why.
oh yeah back to my point, i do feel that a lot of times in my life, it really is too little too late. i want to get good SAT scores, do well academically, be stronger in my walk with God, but for what? sometimes it really is for image. im not that conceited as you guys may think, but i guess everyone has to care about their appeal sometimes right? i do my fair share of looking in the mirror but not narcissistic. why do i try still to get into a college with substantial recognition? ppl dont understand how my grades dont even qualify for like deanza. jaykay i exaggerated. deanza has seriously 100% acceptance rate. i hope i didnt enlarge that fact. my computer dc's a lot
but im very thankful for wireless. thnx john. that was indeed a shoutout.
okay its time to make some ground rules of the year that is approaching.
one, be nice. simply said. or show ppl that i am actually nice, better stated
two, try in school. not try HARDER in school, just try. i dont try. i dont know why. today my mum told me that i dont try because im not motivated in life. it kinda struck me and i must say mother knows best. ill try, i promise and i am not one that likes to break oaths, especially to myself cuz that would be lame.
whats three, keep friendships. i think i lost a lot this year. its not good to use the word lot cuz lot is so ambiguous. but yeah i think its actually a good thing so scratch it from being number 3 on to do list. yknow what i will EDIT my number three rule, MAINTAIN my friendships with friends. those that matter! hey i just lost interest in blogging. iono sudden change in mind. it was fun. i will come back to this when im in china. oh how i am so stoked for this adventure of 33 days. can you read my excitement for reliving all those wondrous moments of oily food and unsanitary conditions. please remind me more. lets end happy. tomorrow is my last day in america. i hope that i will have fun.
yknow what i realized, i try so hard to come up with catchy titles for my entries but im actually not that cool. nice try

CLICHE

2008-06-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

the stream runs dry
all is lost in hope
as vanity proves its point
footsteps in the disoriented path
without a trace to imagine
as lapse of time terminates
the beginning of the past

words without meaning reflect
in the shallow pool
colored with black and white
eliminate the pierce
the jab at silence that disturbs
the sole reasoning of life
when first come first serve
ultimately results

cookie cutter picture perfect
mold and lit on fire
united yet detached
believe in false pretenses
the constant struggle
unapproached as frustration
seeps in conquering all
press repeat please

SUGAR COATED

2008-05-31T15:36:00.000-07:00

The fear of pain has driven today's society to extreme measures, from the sudden increase of pregnant women ultimately deciding to go thru C-section rather than the natural method, pills with a gilded sweet layer as if the bitterness could be eliminated, and politicians beating around the bush when dealing with topics such as global warming and the war abroad. Probably the biggest painstaking issue is the one that hits closest to home. Everyday, the people you surround yourself with speak only half the truth, filtering the information that might be deemed "too harsh" before they feed you the leftovers. When did people become too sensitive and soft to be able to take the truth for what it is? Does giving half the story account for still being honest? Sugar coated pills may taste good on the exterior but that layer soon flakes off revealing the potent chemicals beneath. Either way, one must douse the pill and swallow thru the pain.

There is a time when fairytales no longer do the job , when only rainbows and butterflies are spewed out and the gory, cut throat reality is omitted. Maybe at a younger age, it is best to leave certain sections out, to preserve their innocence and purity and that what you don't know can't ever hurt you. But that was then and people change. We all age and mature, hopefully learning from our past deeds and maturing as we move along. But sadly, we are still treated as children. It is not like we haven't been exposed to diseases like cancer and AIDs and deaths before. As if its any surprise, news is constantly aired on television. Let me make my own decisions. Tell it like it is. I do not need any more of this wimpy made-up story so that I can feel better about myself. When did the truth become so taboo in our society? Does slipping a little white lie consult to a person feeling truly better about themselves? Maybe for a while, but the truth always comes out and when it does, it only strikes harder than before. Artificial sweeteners like Splenda do more harm than any benefit. They might make the taste better but in reality, denigrates. Bittersweet

DOORBELLS

2008-05-19T00:26:00.000-07:00

Every house has its door, connecting that of the inside to the world on the outside. In some places, even before one is allowed to encounter the door, they must first face the fence, the gate, that guards the property, offers safety and protects the privacy of an individual. Every house has a door, the medium between the mind and reality. Some doors are composed of fine wood, others metal or glass, and even some of unknown substance only identifiable by the house's owner himself. What are doors for? To keep those on the outside out and those inside to remain in. A door contains a lock, only to be open with the turn of a key, the right key that fits into the compartment and allows one to enter into within. Some places even offer doormats, to bring a sense of greeting, a welcoming to guests that leave, remove parts of who they are at the door in order to get to know one a little more personally.

Usually, juxtaposed to the door is the doorbell, a neat electronic mechanism that sounds, causing a technical tune to be emitted from within, letting one inside know of the guests waiting patiently on the other side. But if the doorbell was to be broken, they always have the solution of knocking on the door, clenching their hands and tapping on the door in a rhythmic fashion, until one is informed and rushes to the door, unlocking the hatch to guide those inside. But for those at the door that never realize the doorbell malfunctioned, they continue pressing on it, foolishly hoping that the one inside will realize and notice them waiting patiently. Those with a lack of, will give up, walk away from the door, never turning back.

For houses without doors, a house is still a house;a haven, a place of comfortability, seclusion, independence, privacy, an attachment. Even without a boundary structure to hold unwanted guests to enter, trespassers always break through, disturbing the peace one has created, the structure one has designed. The doorbell is no longer necessary without a door, the invisible portal can no longer regulate who stays in and who stays out. But those that have been welcomed in before unlike strangers that walk in and out of the homes, respect one's and choose to wait on the other side, until the one inside realizes that all this time, they have never left their side. On the other hand, maybe the doorbell is useless, the ring is just of a nuisance, an unnecessary gadget that can be omitted. Maybe, the door was never locked in the first place, just took for one to acknowledge. Nonetheless, a doorbell is useless without the unfastening of the lock.

DISTORTION

2008-05-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

eyes are for one to see, to observe to assume and to object, to finalize and conclude, to judge and to pretend. sometimes what you see is not what you get. the long unwinding path you believe leads you to the light you so distantly perceive. your eyes play tricks on your mind, manipulating and diverting the reality into something surreal. and the light up ahead no longer seems any closer to the goal you once placed. how easily do people finalize with their eyes, the verdict of the end. Lets just say that the eyes can be deceiving. and maybe reading this is just another misleading path. good luck figuring that one out. maybe its not even glasses you need, maybe its the naive ignorance. there are always two sides to a paper, two sides to a story, many ways to orally transfer the gist.

those that learn to incorporate both their vision and their knowledge can filter information through their mouths in a dialect that is completely honest and trusted are those that rise to the occasion. words without meaning, speaking without thinking, qualities only dolls retain. and dolls are used for entertainment, to play with, to control, to operate, to disfigure. sooner or later, they will be tossed to the side, cast forever to be replaced by a new toy. thats the harsh reality. one little slip up and you become worthless. the doll hid behind its face, the only face it knew how to make. the mask it adorned. and spoke the few sentences it only knew how to utter. and the doll was passed around, spilling its information around until it became no more. without thought, without processing thru the brain, the eyes can only see and infer, never finalize.

your eyes tell you what you want, but control of the brain you lack. those that believe they are the top experience the hardest falls

WHEN REALITY HITS

2008-05-12T17:28:00.000-07:00

i watch tv, i vie for the drama and the scandals. thats what makes things entertaining . but only when its not me. i try to evade it from my own personal life. but lately, life has become the best prime time soap opera there is. just like the actors on screen, everyone plays their part so well. we have the damsel in distress, the cute naive chracter that everyone adores and cares for. but inside she entails her feelings and once who she is becomes who other ppl see, will she still be the sweetheart that everyone loves? no one is ever that simple. its all an act. then we have her friend, who plays the supporting role. but do not be alarmed for this friend plays multiple positions but no matter what, she remains on the sidelines. who cares for the secondaries. oh but wait, maybe it is her time to shine for what we may uncover is her best trait ever, her uncanny ability to lie straight to everyone's faces, the precedent to the start of another storyline. Finally, she has her time to shine, shine with all the lies she can hide behind that aloof, calm, collected composure. and when everything unravels, will she still be as stoic as she plays? we will just have to wait and see now do we.

next in line is the hero, the one everyone can relate to, the one that when danger surfaces, whisks off to save the day. though he may seem like a caretaker, a provider, maybe he is not all that charitable, maybe it is more directed at trying to gain the approval of the girl he has his eyes on. and when that girl gives him the smallest ounce of gratitude, the rest of the world becomes nothing more to him as his mind narrows down to only her. how sweet, how kind. every superhero has his weakness. what is his? that would just spoil the whole plot. the hero's faithful companion is every man's best friend, his dog. this dog is always expected to follow his nose, find the buried treasure, the hidden evidence, anything that would be exciting or entertaining. its not really him whos dragging the hero along, its the owner that has the leash on the dog. the dog may walk off but the leash places limits, barriers. and one day loyalty wont be so important to this dog anymore, breaking from his identity, or rather the role that everyone believes suits him best. dogs are always inferior to humans, always positioned as pets, having guardians. and one day that collar will just be too tight, strangling the dog and leaving him to be or maybe the leash will tear, releasing the dog to go who he so oughts to go, wandering wherever he so wants to. but that is not his want to be a stray, an abandoned puppy-eyed dog. He wants to return home, to comfortability but for what reasons? to be kicked around and forgotten again? better than nothing right. neglect is always better than feigned sympathy.

the sweetheart's competition, the pageant queen has it all or rather she believes she shines the brightest in comparison to those around her. she waves her hand with that plastic smile fixated on her face, her eyes surfacing the world, without any hint of feeling or meaning. her cold distant persona can turn warm and friendly but her busy schedule forces her to set her priorities. maybe her pageantry answers are idealistic but never realistic. maybe she likes to take on the position of peacemaker, conflict settler but that is not her position to be. she should just stay on her pedestal, looking down on those beneath her, wearing the crown she has awarded herself. so you may wonder why does the sweetheart and miss america dislike each other? maybe its not dislike, maybe not hate, but simply a drift. neither have time for the other to understand them, to even get close to. like two puzzle pieces that do not fit. last but not least are our favorites, the two carefree, laid back goofs that provide the humor for this show. they make the dumbest decisions in the world usually ending up in bad consequences and punishments later on. it may be all fun and games, but what is their motive behind the crap that they do? who knows. maybe its to let ppl know that they are hxc. they are the shit. the real deal. simply badass. just that they are the only ones that believe so. everyone just view them as losers, posers, wannabes. wait till they find out the truth.

sounds pretty entertaining to me. i guarantee you will not want to miss a second of this new hit drama. but do not say i did not warn you if you want to get involved. the crap they come up with on this show may seem so farfetched and surreal but it hits closer to home than you would expect. it might even be more truthful than reality tv. or maybe one day, you will learn to take the remote and switch the channel cancelling the show all together. now wouldn't that be something.

AMENDMENTS

2008-04-21T21:23:00.000-07:00

Everyday i see you. You do not meet my standards i'm sorry to admit. Can you not be who you are? I'm sick of having to deal with you and stand up for you. That's because I'm the only way that knows you. But when you look at me, we don't see eye to eye. I try to fix you and mold you to my liking but there is always something off. yknow i can't shrug you off. i would but i can't. DO you feel like you're bounded. why can't you just be who you are and not care for those that shit about it. stop with the doubting. im tired of it. i seriously am. i can tell you what to do. you know i can. just that you won't listen. im the clearest voice in your head yet you listen to those around you. im frustrated too. nothing too grasp. right? i wish we could both take it easy. we are one together but we are two different ppl. depends on who we are around right. funny thing is you are me and i am you. we stare at each other and we don't know our true identity. or maybe we are one.

a broken bridge, either it wasnt wanted or it isnt needed. too worn from being trampled over. finally collapsed. but its internal destruction. for the structure is still intact, just the pieces that really matter are no longer present. used to connect two things together. the water beneath crashes again and again, wearing its wall.

I scream for some silence. I laugh to laugh for once, not there so you notice I'm gone and I breathe cuz its necessary

just for mo :D

IN THE MIDST

2008-04-08T17:55:00.000-07:00

its been a while hasn't it. my mind open to a selected range of people that are willing to take time to glance . so hows life? its pretty good says one. its pretty swell i must say. i get the grades i want, the friends that notice me, the parents that nurture and care, and the confidence i attain. who am i? an ordinary wallflower, static and without meaning, tapered on the wall, awaiting for anyone or thing to come and admire me. but i just blend in with the background. im no different than any other flowers on the wall, let alone comparable. for i have ripped petals and missing petals, dried leaves, stained from the environment. life is great you presume. yes it is. hey friend, im jealous of you. why cant we just swap lives one day. i would never give yours back. i would be so happy and be the perfect child. i promise. but wait, im me and youre you. im suppose to like who i am right? im different you say. but i beg to differ. im a ghost. i make my entrance but no one acknowledges. its all fun and games. then its goodbye and im swift away to my home. the fly on the wall that sees all but sits out and left to be. even maybe swatted. life is short. can you end mine for me please? death is ugly but everyone goes thru with it. can you just grant me my wish. im at a crossroad. can you guide me to the right path. or maybe ill pass this one and get hit by the car. its not like i want to get hit. i wave frantically to no avail. i signal the driver to stop. but does he care?
the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round,
the wheels on the bus go round and round, drive me over till i lie on the ground
throw me under the bus. i will mind. but im speechless, more like i cant speak.
hey, its dark baby. can you be my light. im scared. you dont have to if you dont want to. hey, its pouring right now. stand under the umbrella with me. no? dont worry bout it. no hard feelings. lets play hide and seek. ill hide you seek. hope you dont get tired from seeking forever. try and find but i guarantee you wont find me. i returned to the wall where i belong. row 8, 17th down. i will be lonely tho. can you still talk to me even tho we are so distant? dont let me down. tell me soon so i can give up hoping. im a planted seed. im not growing. i dont like myself. stomp on me please. ill tell you its okay. but who cares about the truth. its so buried in the soils. hi blog. been a while huh? long time no talk. please dont make me feel shitty. wait you cant! thnx for listening. i want to be me but its not that easy. why cant the one that i see be someone different. i rather be a wallflower. i wont be lonely with countless others surrounding me!

DRIFTING AT SEA

2008-01-14T23:32:00.000-08:00

i wish i measured up
i want to be significant
when im sad or depressed
i wish ppl would catch my hint

you want ppl to care
you want them to understand
you want your friends to be there
you want them to take your hand

these issues never go away
theres no medicine to soften the pain
its almost inevitable
so ill sit here feeling drained

waiting for hope
its useless
i feel so numb
my minds a mess

my body maybe present
but my minds drifted far away
can i tell myself to be happy
and look forward to another day

i dream of death
at least the problems erased
dont worry about it right
its just a phase

time will tell
but time wont stop for me
i wish i was ignorant
i wish i was happy

how can you seek for help
when the problem exists inside
im drifting at sea
im taking every tide

Hurting Eternally Losing Persistence Lacking Emotion Silent Suffering

you dont know the half of it
so dont even try

HOMESICK

2007-12-31T22:28:00.000-08:00

im in vancouver right now and i miss home. when does this ever happen when i finally get the break i need and i want to return. i must be crazed but its true. im sick and tired of this trip and its only been three days. my parents try so hard to initiate family time but it hardly exists anymore since our family has grown so disjointed. csi marathons in a penthouse 21st floor financial district vancouver. pretty nice i guess but im so tired and i just want to stay at home sometimes doing nothing. i feel so restless i could totally use that word we learned in lith what was it again something infatigable? iono but that class is major asskicking. EAST OF EDEN is actually good but its so dramatic. so vengeful and kind of good. revenge is good but payback feels so nice. but leaves you bitter at the same time. how has this trip been? im thinking of when my seven days are over. so far, we have avoided all attempts to snowboard since my smart sister managed to overpack from burberry rainboots which i hardly doubt she needs and her coach purse, still ables to forget to bring the ever essential ski gloves. so basically if shes not going to board, i hella am not going to board by myself. and we just keep on eating and eating. i went to the gym today. first time lifting weights. isnt that funny. i never lifted weights in my life and it was kinda fun. i watched some really skinny girl panting a lot. it was funny. new years eve. i just forgot new years resolution time
what do i wish to improve in the following year?
i think maybe to learn to move on. to forget about the past and focus on the future. mend my broken relationships and leave nobody with hurt feelings. do something that im passionate about, not what i should be doing. maybe think about going back to church. its not all that bad right? stop making excuses as well try harder in school stay focused. not so easily distracted or tempted.
i broke my phone. my phone means a lot to me. thats not good tho. i rely too heavily on sucha materialistic device. isnt it like that quote we dont ride the railroad, the railroad rides us or something. similarly, i use my phone for so many diff functions. and stupidly i broke it when i knew it would be broken if i did it. but still i wanted to test my options. smart bertrand. anyways im up here with no music except my crappy shuffle which repeats the same 100 songs over and over again. music : life. im bored
my family is boring
life is boring
i have so many things to do
liek DIVE INTO A GREAT READ such as EAST OF EDEN
amen

UNTIL A BRIGHTER DAY

2007-12-18T22:50:00.000-08:00

Where are you going, where do you go
Are you looking for answers, to questions under the stars
If along the way you are growing weary
You can rest with me until a brighter day
You're okay
- Dave Matthews Band

im too tired to blog. yknow what, thongs are thongs. society is a society. but intent is not always in the right place. ill write more later after finals. THNX FOR TALKING FOR LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALF on something SO POINTLESS as to THONGS.

STICKS AND STONES

2007-12-14T23:59:00.000-08:00

"Growing up is never straightforward.
There are moments when everything is fine,
& other moments, when you're a teenager
& you realize that there are certain memories
that you'll never get back.
& certain people that are going to change
& the hardest part is realizing that
theres nothing you can do except watch them,
& realize that everything is going to change."

why must i try stopping time, try stopping how i feel because no matter what, im going to be like this. im going to make this short because no matter how many fillers i use, the meaning will still be the same. sometimes in a problem, the situation caused was started within, not because of someone else. dont blame others but yourself the most. learn to be more open, to be more willing. i think im wiser, not smarter, but wiser. i learn to regard my trust. to keep it close to me and not to hand out as a flier. its something that leaves me vulnerable and i can only do that with those i trust. and once trust is lost, its hard to ever regain it. but there is always hope. for without hope, life would be serious hell. if its me against the world, i guess thats how life is suppose to be. if no one can see my points, at least i know i can stand up for my beliefs even when others see im wrong. because no matter what, i know whats right inside. and acknowledging that i make so many mistakes is the only thing i can do and the best thing i can do. because i know im vulnerable, i know im weak, but at this stage, im trying to grow stronger. so leave me be. what would jesus do. im glad someone reminded me because no matter how many times we turn away from him, disappoint him, hurt him, he will still accept us for the deeds we wronged him. but im not jesus and i will never be. but i will need to change. i have to, i need to , i want to have a relationship with god. i want to go back to church but i wont if its for the wrong reasons. so ill wait, i have to wait for something to motivate me. i feel like the wind. i change so easily. but unlike the wind, im firm on where i stand, and being firm can also translate to being stubborn, and for that, like the wind, i wish i was more open.

CATCH ME WHEN I FALL

2007-12-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

school scares me. im scared for finals. especially this years finals. make it or break it yknow. but the worst thing is that i know i dont have a chance of changing some of my grades but i still believe that i have hope. like my lit essay right. its all about change, how the society was so corrupt and needed to be torned down and rebuilt. i want to start over. but its not the right time. nothing is driving me to start anew. i want to so bad, want to redo everything, everything i messed up with but i cant change the past so i have to change the future. im waiting for my new years resolutions. im waiting for winter break. i plan on doing drivers ed in one day. i want my permit badly. i feel so uncomparable since i dont even have my permit. i know that i wont have time over summer. man ill be gone from july 14th to august 17th. my whole summer will go to waste. not completely since i get to go to olympics right? but no matter how fun that sounds, its being away home for more than a month and trust me, i get freakin home sick. even if ppl there are your friends, they arent that close and you will always feel a distance from your surroundings. i was watching tv yesterday and what the mother tells the daughter was really provoking but true. she told her daughter that as you grow older, the decisions you make shape the person you become. honestly, i feel bad for what i did. i mean my teacher was not smart in telling the class that she got the essay prompt online since the internet is open access to the world but i still feel likeit wasnt deserving for others since they werent that privileged in some sense. i mean the playing field wasnt balanced, we had a sort of unfair advantage and im not blaming myself for getting it because if others wanted to know what the prompt was badly, they would have searched harder to find it. but the thing is they didnt and when i entered to write gruesomely for the 50 minutes, i kept on thinking to myself whether what i did was right. whether it was a form of cheating. i mean i was just using my resources right?

its stupid because i mean sometimes we dont really care if we cheat anymore. the grade is more important to us than our integrity. we have no dignity for how shameful we look and its because we are so clever in to not getting caught. and sitting here, i still feel like a hypocrite because no matter what, if a person comes to me and tells me that they have the prompt, or the answers to a test, i would ask for them to give it to me. because i honestly think i go to school to get a grade, not to learn. seriously do i remember all the math i learned or the civil war after this year? i hope not as well because thats not useful. sometimes i get sad when i compare myself to ppl because im not that book nerdy but then when i think about it, i thank God for giving something so much more useful in the future. being streets smart pays off. some ppl are so good at studying and get such good grades but outside of school, they are dumb as a rock. its because they cant think without a textbook guiding them. they arent smart enough to maneuver around situations to benefit them. its okay. i think im having a good day. ill think ill find the right path

PART2: if you want to judge me, its all right. you can label anyone anything, but at the end of the day, its what the person sees in themselves. i dont see myself as a cheater because i didnt do anything wrong. if it was so unfair, why did you not take the opportunity before to look it up yourself. online, and you doesnt mean you, its means everyone that is mad at the situation. the thing is you can unleash your frustration and blame it on me but the thing is, the internet is not closed to any specific person. for the teacher to say that she got it from online, its basically a ticket to searching it yourself. opportunities will come to you. its whether you take the chance or not. and by chance, did we know exactly that this prompt was correct. its everything the internet says truthful? if so then, go use wikipedia for resources. and all this complaining only leads to what, you cant change the past. complain to me forever but the task has changed. and if you want to say i lack in integrity, its for you to say but integrity is personal. opinions count but yours outrules anyone elses. if a person tells you that the gas station on the corner of that street is cheap, and you dont go there to pump gas, whose fault is it at the end of the day. if you want to blame someone, look at yourself first. if a person doesnt take the opportunity, its not another persons fault. there is an open path that you can see the exit, but if you stray away from it, you cant blame others for taking the path themselves.

FEELING THIS

2007-12-05T23:03:00.000-08:00

am i bad person for beleiving the way i do. if i am, then i must be even worse if i can't even notice that im bad. who is the final verdict for my decisions. do i let ppl tell me what is right or wrong or do i stand by my claims. is there ever a right or a wrong side to a situation. is there even sides to a situation that really isn't a situation. i hate picking sides, but im not sure i can say that for everyone. and when ppl dont choose your "side" doesn't it hurt even more? just like the last kid standing when choosing teams. thats how i feel. schoolyard picks have not left us since elementary school. all that has happened is that it evolved, a more hidden form that is less obvious but strikes even harder. and sometimes, you just got to let all this crap pass you. why should i be so sensitive from everything that bothers me. it seems that everyone can hide their feelings so well. that they cover every flaw and seem composed. is it bad to be yourself than be fake. im not sure i know anymore. if you are fake, you can never get that hurt since no one really knows the real you. so even if you feel stabbed, the wound doesnt bleed that deep, its only a scratch from the thick skin that has grew. but, this barrier seems to be falling apart. this fortress seems to lose its ground and slowly crumble past my eyes. wearing a smile is not fun.. i know, but smiling, uses less muscle than frowning. why frown on the world, for ppl to see if thats only how you feel. why bring the world down with you when its your problem. is this problem similar to school tho. do we care what other ppl feel? how other ppl will react or how they will judge based on your scores, your academic achievements? no one cares about how others when it comes down to it. its every man for themselves and the surivival of the fittest serves its point. why not make it easier to come out on top by disabling your adversaries. by limiting their abilities, doesnt that just make you closer to beating them?

i lack the ability to forget. as much as i want to let things slide, they never do. its easy when its just bailey or me, but not for life. i just want to let it pass, forget about what bothers me. but i dont. i let it rot in my head until i cant think of it any longer, and by then, its too late. cuz i feel like shit. things dont ever go my way. but why cant they just seem perfect once in a while. im the worlds greatest pretender. i can go for a whole day and on the outside look happy but i dont even know anymore how i feel. its so numb i just go with the flow. if ppl are happy, ill show what they want me to show. its not that hard. sometimes, its good to be so leniant, it makes you more approachable, more liked. this semester is ending soon, and my hopes are running dry. i can try, but there is no source to fill my emptiness. secrets keep you sick. my secrets are the only thing that keeps me going. they arent secrets. they are more like things i rather not share. im thirsty and the fountain is in front of me. but im not willing. im not deserving and dehydration wont kill me. at least not for now

i feel invisible. save me

NEVER KNEW

2007-12-04T21:47:00.001-08:00

christmas is approaching. i should be happy. i should be eager to the break approaching. but somethings standing in the way. and i guess i would usually say its finals but i dont really care about finals anymore. i mean they have controlled my life so much for the last two years. i know i shouldnt be losing grip now since this year is so dire but really, my grades have no chance basically. what stands in the way of me and christmas is surviving these two weeks. i used to think i was a pretty sociable people person. GUESS NOT anymore. hella effed that up. but its not my fault. ill blame everything on society since it seems to take blame so well. basically, whether i like to believe it or not, i learn stuff from my crap class lit. i mean its tough when we are graded on opinionated styles and how much we participate but i like the class because i can say whore in class and i wouldnt get in trouble. haha jaykay but seriously, i used to be so ignorant or chose to but lit kind of shows how to see everything in a different perspective. like today, we watched the crucible, and suprisingly, i really enjoyed the film. even tho the ending was lame, the plot was really good. i mean everyone thought this girl was a bitch and im not saying she wasnt, but she was almost the heroine of the movie. she basically had the people of the town around her fingers. she controlled everything and for a girl that young to hold so much power is respectable. man i sound like im writing a dear ms mcmillion letter. im jealous of the ppl who had conferences with her and were able to ask questions at all. i wonder why when it was my turn, i had nothing to present to her, nothing. am i really that accepting of my letter grade. do i sound hypocritical when i say i dont care about my finals but i do care about my grades? im not happy with it but i can't be there to complain about it. i mean will the grade change from the past? a definite no. but i still wish i was more involved, more concerned. i feel a lack of concern for everything, like im hawaii and everyone else is united states. this would be a perfect time to tie into apush but im going to pass on mentioning about my fave class.

twenty one days. twenty one days till xmas. what would i like to see under my invisible tree? hmmmm time, tiempo. basically, i want things that can't be bought. how do we spend our twenty four hours a day. im pretty wasteful with mine or else i would not be writing in this. but during break, i want it to feel like summer. the first part of summer where it was actually enjoyable where there was no such thing as a curfew. there was but who cared about that. holy crap, this song just went screamo on me. HAHAHA the beginning sounded hella normal. wtf this is what you get for downloading off limewire. oh yeah, basically, for my pretend xmas wish list, i want to feel involved. i want to have a meaning. i dont know why im living. it seems so pointless to waste it all on grades and SATs. my mom says this one year will determine your four years in the future. so true but cant i at least enjoy my life? life is too short to be sad. but sometimes you cant help being sad. and when this pain doesnt go away, do you pretend like nothings wrong? keep moving through with time until it becomes too late and the time bomb explodes. school sucks so bad. i can see why i had so many more friends last year. because i was blind as hell. half of them are so shallow, so fake. like what do they care? so they can compare themselves with me? well i guess i serve a good purpose cuz no matter what, i always end up short. thats my role in life. to serve as an encourager. To show ppl what not to get on tests, and how not to screw up their life. sometimes, i blame it on my parents pressure. they always seem to want to take the short cut.. for instance, i wasted my freshmen to sophomore summer taking a stupid fcking class at some private school. i basically had four hours of one on one with this recently widower who took the whole side of a table where the food he ate basically missed and slipped down his soft plushy snowsloped figure. wow great image. he made it so that the table we sat on formed a perfect see saw, that always was stuck on one end. basically, after six weeks of pure bliss, i go to safari and i realized taht it wasnt legalized, that the credits didnt transfer. and when i realized i had wasted my whole summer taking a pointless class, i yelled at my parents so much, i was in a position to where they had no authority for they had messed me up. but so what, the more i yelled, the more i told them how great of parents they were, did the problem change? no but from now on, i realized the blame shouldnt have been on them, it should have been on me. if i cared so much, if i was so concerned i would have double checked to see if this fraud of a class was going to end up on my transcript. amen. so this year, i hope that time will appear miraculously, that each day of break, each twenty four hours would seem endless. and on the last day, i will be there, playing secondhand serenade's its not over because its not over. it will never be over. the break will be over. but my problems wont. its like an endless struggle taht i hope one day i will come out victoriously. materialisticly, i would like headphones since i have great memory to where i placed mine. i would like apparel from a cause, from one.com from gap product(red), from aldo.com. if we are to get clothes, why not wear those with good meaning, those that help. who am i to complain after looking at how fortunate i already am. at least im healthy right. at least i have friends that i can trust to be there thru both good and bad. wow im so hallmark right now. disgusts me too. peace

THE CLASSIC CRIME

2007-12-02T13:32:00.000-08:00

i better not make this a daily ritual haha. im so glad that no one really knows about blogspot or that it isnt that popular to the point where adults that should not even have facebooks be there to judge or to impose their discontentment. who really cares. stfu does mean shut the fuck up and maybe it is. i know its not good to swear but all these curse words are really words that ppl think are bad. its what ppl think right. i mean sometimes i feel like shit and i do feel like shit. i can replace shit with something else but in the end i still feel the same. i cant picture why as for today it was all right for someone to be up there condoning our actions when its really how we feel. we cant feel the same at church because of ppl like them. if we had our rights, we might as well tell them to stfu as well. why must my church continue to believe that by posting so many limitations that in the end it will make the new generation move to the right direction. if one were to be so enforcing, wouldn't we just want to rebel even more. and as for all these abbreviations, we arent ignorant, we arent dumb. we know that they mean what they mean. yes wtf is what the fuck. i know and its a good point that because society uses it so much, so have we but who are ppl to judge when because society thinks facebooks are in, they get them too. so jumping on the bandwagon should not lead to hypocrisy.

you go to church so that you can communicate with ppl that truly understand you but how can you open up when the first things they realize are your flaws, to judge you for what you done instead of acknowledge the facts and go past that. i can name so many flaws in the youth fellowship but what will my voice count. if they think that their sytem is improving, who am i to disagree and tell them that it sucks, that its so generic. if i do tell them, wouldnt i just be doing the same as the ppl who were there to judge me. im so glad i deactivated my facebook so i dont have to worry about some anal prudes who think they are better than us reading, watching my every move. no one likes to be stalked. everyone just wants some room. my mom asked me the other day why i dont hang out with the same ppl. why i dont talk about them anymore. she wonders where their gone. and when i tell her that ppl change, she thinks the problem is me. i would like to disagree but i do admit that i have changed, not for the better but for the fact that sometimes you need to speak your mind. sometimes when things dont please you, dont let it phase. so you know what, i told her that im okay with having less friends. its all the better. with less friends, i dont have to worry about the amount of time i spend with each one, that im being unfair or that more ppl will talk about me. the good thing about being alone is that you arent noticed so there will be no need to talk about you. its said that you arent anybody until youre talked about but does that mean being talked about is positive.

music:life. this morning as i had to wake up for my almost seemingly ritual of going to church at the crack of dawn, i turn on the tv while eating breakfast and its the vh1 top 20 countdown and i know how old the song is but how far we've come by matchbox 20's lyrics really seemed to hit me in a way never before. honestly, everyone usually likes a song because of the melody or the tune but the words were so understanding. like it was what i felt in some way.

I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,

The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour and I
and started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

chorus:
But I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
then I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street, took a look at myself
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
say all goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come (right now)
let's see how far we've come

Its gone gone baby its all gone
there is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you
well its gone gone baby its all gone
there's no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you

it doesnt hurt that the music video is creative as well.
CAN I JUST NOT GO TO CHURCH . i hate it there

NEW CHAPTER

2007-12-01T18:11:00.000-08:00

this is all new to me. but i do miss the days when everyone would xanga. when everyone would write posts instead of just commenting on each other's walls through myspace and facebook. but maybe one day, just as xanga has loss its crowd, so will myspace and facebook and blogspot will fill in the missing pieces. so what is with our society. why must our lives be governed by what the world dawns as interesting. why cant we choose to follow our own train of thoughts and see past the crowd. and yet, im not better to be so disdainful to society for i am part of the whole. everyone knows that it isnt about comparing, its about personal improvements but when my whole life revolves around SAT scores and such, how can i ignore everything. how am i compatible with the rest of my friends. and it does hurt when you realize how much worse you measure up. that you DONT measure up. ive been sad lately but i know that being sad wont change whats happening. i know i should try harder and that even when things dont work out right now, its only for right now. the only thing i can do is hope, and hope is what i have to rely on. i worry a lot for this year. i worry what my future brings me. but how can i be thinking of the future when i cant deal with the problems right in front of me. this year has been hard. it didnt start out well, partly cuz i didnt start my jr year completely free of my summer blues. that because i would not deal with the conflicts it overlapped into my school year. and i feel taht partially this year, i am a bit of an isolation. whether i choose to isolate myself from others or others to me, its all the same. it doesnt help either that im so distant from God as well. what is the pt of church when you cant even fellowship, cant be comfortable with the congregation, that you notice the flaw, the fault in the church structure. acceptance is key but it has to start with me accepting others. by saying that other ppl are fatter than me, by calling them sluts and fags wont change the fact that im less of a fag or a slut, which im not hopefully. but it just shows that by looking down at ppl doesnt make me look any better. i do hope that out of this year, im more decisive and to be strong in something. im mentally disabled as of this year but this disability has found its cure. sooner or later, this problem will find its solution, its remedy. and this remedy will hopefully bring to new changes.